As it is, school is right around the corner. Starting on Monday as a matter of fact. Right now everything is hectic because I'm moving...again, I'm getting over a cold, my brother is here, veterinary school applications are due in the next week, I had to miss a fun backpacking trip with my best friends because of apartment issues, and I still have to finish my research project on marine mammal strandings.
The good news is that I am feeling increasingly more confident on my motorcycle and I'm feeling increasingly better about my relationships with two people in particular.
First things first though. Motorcycles. I'm surprised I didn't blog about this earlier but within one single summer I conquered my fear of motorcycles, got a motorcycle endorsement, bought a motorcycle, and have been driving sed motorcycle all over the place. Its been pretty awesome and I feel so lucky that things happened the way they did, I absolutely LOVE my bike and all my gear. I got a 2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r with special edition green, black and white fairings.
I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel like quite a bad ass. This is also my desktop background on my computer right now - which should tell you how much I like it (I don't think I've had a desk top that didn't have some sort of marine animal on it for a while now).
But anyway, this is really big for me. It really is! When I was child, I was so scared of riding that even when I rode on the back of my Dad's bike with him while he was driving I shut my eyes and held on as tight as I could. The fear eased a bit with years past, but if you asked me even last year if I would ride a motorcycle I would have said no. But here I am, a rider, and proud. How did it happen? Well a couple of reasons, the reason I emphasize to people, the reason that only other riders understand, and the emotional reason.
The reason I emphasize to everyone I talk to about riding is that I wanted to conquer my childhood fear of riding motorcycles. I decided at the beginning of this year that I didn't want to be scared of so many things any more. I wanted to look straight in the face of things that terrified me and spit at it. Why? I think its because I wanted to prove to myself that I had courage, when I felt like I was being cowardly. (The idea of forcing myself to be courageous ties in with my third reason so I will go into that in a minute). So motorcycling ended up being extremely empowering. Because I was so nervous about riding, it was that much more of a relief when everything turned out fine and it was easier than I had anticipated. I have had so many experiences where I have been correct in my assumptions that a certain situation was going to be bad (sometimes the situation would be even worse than I had anticipated) and because of this I've always had reservations in doing what is right or needed when I anticipate the situation being emotionally difficult. Being on a motorcycle has helped me on this a lot. I learned through my motorcycle safety course that it is NOT impossible to ride safely and to control the bike properly. Eventually I even learned how ridiculously fun riding really is! I guess it took a remedy of a big fear of mine to teach me that not everything will turn out as bad as I think. I'm not going to say that I'm completely cured of my cowardice, but at least I've been taking large steps in the right direction. I'm hoping that more riding will help me take more of those steps.
*On to reason number two: freedom, the joy of being alive, and escape. I can't speak for all riders here, but I would imagine that those are very common themes among riders. First of all, lets look at freedom. What I learned from my dad who has been riding for 20+ years was that the slang term for people who drive cars are "Cage-ers". I think this is totally fitting. First for the physical reasons of being in a big metal cage driving down the road, but also for the mentality. I think the car is a really good symbol for middle class society as we know it. You grow up and get a car. That car will take you to and from school/work, to your sister's wedding, to a congested freeway and to a bunch of other places that represent the normal hum-drum of life. You become locked in what many of my friends fear: the cage of growing up and becoming responsible in the eyes of society. To me this entails liking beer, a variety of stinky, moldy cheeses, being a stay at home mom, taking the kids to soccer practice, and then eventually waiting to die when my body starts refusing to function. This is the cage.
Now add a motorcycle. All of a sudden, its just you out there. You now enter a battle of survival with other cars and obstacles TRYING to get you with only the occasional other motorcyclist waving at you and reminding you that you are not alone (I can't even tell you how much it means to me whenever I wave at someone and they wave back on a ride. Its like a mutual acknowledgement of the danger inherent in the situation and a "don't worry buddy, you're not alone"). You are in charge now. Not your boss, not your friends, not your parents, not your professors - you and you alone. You get to decide if you want to go fast, you get to decide where you want to go and all you have in front of you is endless expanses of highway just begging to be ridden. If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.
Being on the motorcycle reminds me that it is my life, and I'm in control when I need to be reminded of it the most. Every biker knows that once they sit on that bike they are in danger and the stakes are high; I know it too. But, despite the danger, after a long ride, when I get off my bike, I laugh, partially because of what a fun ride it was, but mostly of relief - that I'm alive! That I survived another day! Thinking about it know reminds me of that quote: "live each day as if it were your last" or some variation of that theme. Well, I can tell you from my personal experience on a motorcycle the wisdom of the masses was spot on. If you are thankful for simply being alive, or for surviving, then you'll be happier than you'd ever expect.
The last part of this reason is escape. Escape both from the place where I'm at, but also escape from the dark inner trappings of my thoughts. It is said that you shouldn't drive your motorcycle when you are emotionally compromised because it will affect your driving, and to some extent I think this is true, but, if you can focus on driving (like I can), then you'll still drive safely. To do this you must be able to shut out (temporarily) the emotional mess and just think about where you are going and how you are going to get there. This is actually something I dreamed about earlier in the year when I was going through a rough emotional time. I really wanted to leave my situation - to just get up and go, and to hopefully drive fast enough to leave my woes in the dust. But I learned exactly what I just said above, you need to shut out the problems completely if you are going to be safe on your bike. When I sit on my bike, my problems cease to be and all I focus on is driving and keeping myself safe. I think its because I have my priorities straight; when I get on my bike I understand I am taking an enormous risk and so when I start riding I realize that my safety and well being comes before my negative feelings about a situation.
Don't get me wrong though, if I was truly emotionally compromised, I wouldn't drive at all. For example, if I was upset enough to be crying, I would not ride my bike. But if I was so stressed that I needed time to myself - yes I would ride and the ride would be my escape. This somewhat contradicts what I said in my first reason because its sometimes deemed cowardly to run away from your problems, but on the other hand, everyone needs a moment and the motorcycle forces you to briefly focus on something else. Thus it creates a perfect escape.
Now to the last reason, the emotional reason. The emotional reason is because of a boy. One of my ex-boyfriends. He was the one responsible for the hard time I was going through from the beginning of the year to late summer. This guy changed a lot about my personality and I believe a lot of it for the better (I wish it to be known, however, that despite coming out of this a better, more confident person, it still wasn't worth the pain, it really wasn't). Some of the things that changed about me was my willingness to take risks and a decrease in fear towards stressful situations. These were some of the things I really admired about him - he wasn't afraid of taking risks, and he was rarely scared of anything. When he was scared about something, and it passed, he laughed about it - like it was nothing! I admired those qualities so much that I tried to emulate them in myself, partially to better myself, but probably mostly to impress him. One of the reasons I turned to motorcycles was to prove to both him and myself that I wasn't afraid and that I COULD do anything if I so wanted to. So I chose something that I was extremely afraid of and I decided that I wasn't going to be scared of it anymore - that something was riding motorcycles. The other reason I chose motorcycles over something else, for example getting a pilot's license and flying a plane, was because I wanted to be more like him while still retaining the little things that made me, me. I have history with motorcycles, my dad rides, my brother got a motorcycle license and rode for a while - it was something that was part of me. So I chose motorcycles. The part that was copying him was that it was a motorized vehicle. He loved cars, he knew exactly how they worked, could take them apart, he could make them perform better, but above all, he loved going fast. I remember sitting in the passenger seat watching the enormous amount of pleasure he would get from pushing that pedal down and feeling the gravitational forces push him against his seat. I wanted to show him that I could be like that, but with something else just as good; ergo motorcycles. I guess it was just another part of my relationship campaign with him which was that 'we are different, but equal'. What saddens me though, is that he didn't want different. He wanted someone similar to him, so it should come as no surprise that the girl he started dating a month or so after breaking up with me was another student at his same level who came from the same home town as he did.
Well, it didn't work, but despite it all, I'm thankful that I learned how to ride. Riding a motorcycle is one of the best things I've ever done. With that, I will end my discussion on motorcycles with a quote that I think sums up the rest of my sentiments towards the hobby:
"A motorcycle is a joy machine. It's a machine of wonders, a metal bird, a motorized prosthetic. It's light and dark and shiny and dirty and warm and cold lapping over each other; it's a conduit of grace. Cars lie to us and tell us we're safe, powerful, and in control. The air-conditioning fans murmur empty assurances and whisper, "Sleep, sleep." Motorcycles tell us a more useful truth: we are small and exposed, and probably moving too fast for our own good, but that's no reason not to enjoy every minute of the ride."
This quote also resonates with me because it discredits parts of that boy's personality that, I did somewhat admire, he took to too much of an extreme. At the same time it validates what I know to be true. He believed that he was near invincible and that he was larger than life (he also likes cars). I don't think that is true, not for him and not for anyone. So as the quote was goes, motorcycles taught me the truth.
So ends my discussion on motorcycles. I hope it shows just how much I love my new hobby.
Next: BOYS! My FAVORITE subject! Gag...Moving on.
A lot of what I had to say in regards to this was already mentioned in the motorcycle discussion, but I suppose I'll elaborate a little more. The ex-boyfriend already mentioned has been causing relationship problems for me since February and its only now that I feel confident in saying that I'm getting over him. Its such a relief for me because it really feels like a weight has been lifted. I've discovered that I can have an awesome life and feel awesome about myself without him in my life. Most importantly though, I've found that I can like someone romantically that is not him and actually like it better. I'm sorry to say this but it did take a "re-bound" boyfriend to teach me this. This re-bound taught me where I was in my path out of the madness I was in, as well as showed me exactly what I want in a partner. Despite the good that came out of it for me, I made some serious mistakes that I deeply regret in that relationship (most of which I have kept to myself out of protection for the parties involved).**
Luckily, I think the worst is over. I will admit that I do feel nervous about ever seeing this ex again because of a mucky history we have together, but I guess I'll deal with that when it comes. When that time does come, I feel confident that I'll have it in myself to finally do the right thing despite an absurd amount of temptation. I feel more confident about it because of one last boy I'll mention tonight. He is the one I currently have feelings for, albeit at a distance. He's also the one who inspired me to be stronger in the situation with my ex. God help me if he ever reads what I'm going to say next.
He is a really interesting case. When I first met him, we were just friends and my knowledge of him was extremely superficial. After I started liking him romantically, however, I dug deeper and found a lot of things that were, quite frankly, frightening to me. He, like me, suffered trauma, but a different kind of trauma, which made me terrified of getting close to him. All I will say is that its because I've seen things from both sides of what he has suffered through. I'm not ready to talk with him about this because I'm not entirely sure he'll understand and I'm very slow to trust others with this. But I digress. He is an interesting case because he reminds me of one of my exs, but he is different in ways that really matter to me. In a word he's more real. He has a lot of qualities that I admire (which I think is another big reason that I started to like him). Qualities like determination, intelligence, tenacity, dedication, loyalty, integrity, tenderness, adventurousness, and being extremely attractive (by the way, if you are reading this, I hope you're blushing). Another big reason is that I feel that we are what I wanted to be with my ex: "different but equal". Meaning that some day both of us will be on par with one another professionally but in a different field. Overall, he is someone that I respect and admire as a person and would be someone I would be proud to be with.
The reason why all of this is at a distance is a little complicated. First of all, because I know what happened to him, I want to make sure I'm a person worthy enough for him romantically. I still carry a lot of shame over what has happened in the past and I want to...as the saying goes "learn from my mistakes". Another reason is that I want to be DAMN sure that I can do the right thing when I'm faced with sticky situations. He deserves that much. I want to beat my weaknesses both for him and for myself. Another reason is that he doesn't feel like he is ready to be in a relationship. His admission of that was really interesting for me because I've never encountered something like that in a guy before. Most guys I've met just want to go into a relationship as soon as they are attracted to someone. But not him, he cares so much about his future girlfriend that he wants to make sure that he is emotionally whole for her. Regardless of whether this girl ever becomes me or someone else, that sentiment touches me deeply. The last reason is for reasons of practicality. I'm in the process of going to veterinary school and that means I don't know where I will be come next fall. He is in the middle of a graduate degree and can't leave. Thus problems arise. Logically, the likelihood of us dating is slim, but despite what my logical mind thinks, I'm hoping for the best (and it makes me hope I get accepted to the school I'm at).
Well I was planning on talking about the end of summer but its getting really late and I'm getting tired of writing. No worries my dear reader, I'll blog about it later. Till next time!
*I wish it to be known that I'm not trying to insult anyone who chooses to live such life styles or anyone who drives a car. This is merely my opinion and perspectives.
**A discussion about the ethics of this will be discussed in a later blog post.
