I feel like that has kind of been the story of my personal life in the last couple of months. I don't trust anybody and consequently I really just can't relax and enjoy another person's company. Well, in my opinion, this kind of sucks. Superficially I have no drama, beneath the surface I feel like I'm stuck in a current that I can't swim out of.
The reasons for this are pretty obvious to me. Remember that one who I wrote all those rosey little blog posts about? Well our time together came and went, almost like a dream where one immediately wakes up in the middle. There were many good and bad things about this relationship, but I like to see it as a net positive experience for me. It taught me a lot about who I am and what I like in other people, but the most important thing it taught me was the importance of security. It never occurred to me how this one facet of a relationship can just make things click into place and quickly make even imperfect situations appear perfect and meant to be.
You never know what you've got till its gone. To some extent I think its true, but I think I knew what I had when I had it. Which makes me feel all the more hollow in places I haven't felt empty in a very long time. I'm trying to move on. I really am. I just haven't run into anyone else that I can truly let my guard down in front of. So for now, I'm going to be a fencer in a perpetual duel.
