Its amazing to me how life can surprise you, and all you needed to do was just take a hard look at it. The last year hasn't been the easiest for me. I slogged through my first year of veterinary school, trying to ignore the ache of a broken heart. But somewhere through all of that hardship, my life all of a sudden became exponentially better, and the funny thing is, I didn't even realize it until I look up from reading a pathology book and see an adorable doe-eyed greyhound at the end of my bed and a gorgeous man with a beautiful spirit napping next to me.
It dawned on me that even when life appears to just...well, suck. It really doesn't. I went to the Caribbean and took a course on marine animal medicine, I've done solid research on a topic of interest to me, I have a boyfriend who I'm honored to be with (and who loves the "snot" out of me), and I'm at a house with a woman I deeply admire and her affectionate dogs.
I'm really not sure life could be any better for me at this point.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Some people can be so articulate
One of the things I was talented at when I was a kid was picking out cards for people. Give me a person I knew moderately well, give me an occasion, I could find a card deep within the bowels of any grocery store.
Its funny because, I was never creative enough or clever enough to come up with the witticisms on the cards myself, but I'll tell you, I was great at picking out cards that matched the situation and the person. The thing is, I always thought that those people creating those cards were so clever and so articulate. Its not just cards that I can appreciate though, now in my internet adventures I often come across particularly poignant pieces of writing (be it quotes, paragraphs, song lyrics, what have you).
Tonight I found a particularly good one. It came from goodreads.com where they had a list of quotes from novels that were on the subject of being scared. I was originally on there because I was worried about an exam I have to take tomorrow and I needed some inspiration for overcoming my fear, but I found this piece which near perfectly describes how I felt about my most recent relationship with someone I truly cared for.
"The hard part is that I lost myself. In the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay, I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to love myself, and when that happens, you lose everything. And when the one person in the entire world who loves you unconditionally is gone, then you start wondering who will love you? And then when you start wondering, you get scared that you have to even ask that question. But since you have already asked yourself that, you can’t ignore it. Who will love you now? Who could possibly love everything about you, now that the only person in the world who could, is gone? Hell, you don’t even love yourself. Why would someone else? And then when you realize that, the relationship you’re in seems pointless. Because you start believing that they won’t ever be able to withstand your problems and craziness. And then that snowballs to even more insecurities and fear, and you feel trapped in this broken body that can’t ever be healed. And then you feel lost, torn, broken, unfixable, damaged, and like nothing in the entire world could ever possibly be okay again. Because you know from the past, that even when everything seems okay, another devastating blow comes around again and knocks you back down. So you feel even smaller, even weaker. By that point you’re at the bottom, you’re looking up in tears, ready to scream for help. But you’re not sure who’s going to be there, and if the person who does show up, is going to be the person you need, the person who’s going to pick you up, and help you heal. And then you realize again, that you lost yourself. That in the midst of life happening all around you, you lost ability to be okay."
-Sabrina K
For the longest time, I could never really put into words why this particular failed relationship was so devastating to me. Why, even though I've had a number of painful, failed relationships, why this one seemed different. Different enough to make me want to walk away from the prospect of ever opening up to anyone ever again.
Thank you Sabrina, whoever you are, for articulating what I couldn't
Its funny because, I was never creative enough or clever enough to come up with the witticisms on the cards myself, but I'll tell you, I was great at picking out cards that matched the situation and the person. The thing is, I always thought that those people creating those cards were so clever and so articulate. Its not just cards that I can appreciate though, now in my internet adventures I often come across particularly poignant pieces of writing (be it quotes, paragraphs, song lyrics, what have you).
Tonight I found a particularly good one. It came from goodreads.com where they had a list of quotes from novels that were on the subject of being scared. I was originally on there because I was worried about an exam I have to take tomorrow and I needed some inspiration for overcoming my fear, but I found this piece which near perfectly describes how I felt about my most recent relationship with someone I truly cared for.
"The hard part is that I lost myself. In the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay, I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to love myself, and when that happens, you lose everything. And when the one person in the entire world who loves you unconditionally is gone, then you start wondering who will love you? And then when you start wondering, you get scared that you have to even ask that question. But since you have already asked yourself that, you can’t ignore it. Who will love you now? Who could possibly love everything about you, now that the only person in the world who could, is gone? Hell, you don’t even love yourself. Why would someone else? And then when you realize that, the relationship you’re in seems pointless. Because you start believing that they won’t ever be able to withstand your problems and craziness. And then that snowballs to even more insecurities and fear, and you feel trapped in this broken body that can’t ever be healed. And then you feel lost, torn, broken, unfixable, damaged, and like nothing in the entire world could ever possibly be okay again. Because you know from the past, that even when everything seems okay, another devastating blow comes around again and knocks you back down. So you feel even smaller, even weaker. By that point you’re at the bottom, you’re looking up in tears, ready to scream for help. But you’re not sure who’s going to be there, and if the person who does show up, is going to be the person you need, the person who’s going to pick you up, and help you heal. And then you realize again, that you lost yourself. That in the midst of life happening all around you, you lost ability to be okay."
-Sabrina K
For the longest time, I could never really put into words why this particular failed relationship was so devastating to me. Why, even though I've had a number of painful, failed relationships, why this one seemed different. Different enough to make me want to walk away from the prospect of ever opening up to anyone ever again.
Thank you Sabrina, whoever you are, for articulating what I couldn't
Monday, April 7, 2014
The Prince and the Healer
Once upon a time there was a prince. He was a good prince and his family and his kingdom loved him very much. One day, as he was travelling around his kingdom he met this beautiful princess who said she was visiting his kingdom. She was so beautiful and intelligent that he fell in love with her almost immediately. Unfortunately for the Prince, she was not really a princess, she was actually a witch who disguised herself as a foreign princess. Since the prince was so madly in love with her, it was easy to her to enchant him and whisk him to her castle where she kept him as a willing captive.
After a while, the magic waned and the prince started seeing the witch for who she really was. At first, he didn't believe it because he was still so enamored, and so he hid any signs of his gradual awakening from the witch. She, believing her magic was still strong did not worry and continued on without a care. But one day, the spell finally broke completely, and the prince was able to see the witch for who she truly was and he was horrified that he had been so in love with a person who was so evil. After his revelation he decided he needed to escape from the witch's clutches and so he devised a plan that he would escape in the dead of night, when the witch was out doing her evil deeds. When the night came, he grabbed his cloak and he stole out of her castle, fighting some of her minions along the way. When the witch came back to the castle she was furious about the prince's escape and screamed a curse out into the air. While the prince was running away from the castle, thunder shook and he heard her voice in the air...she hissed "You will never be able to receive help without hurting another person, if anyone tries to heal you, they will take your wounds onto their body, as you heal, they will suffer". The prince's stomach dropped as he looked at his wounds already attained from the witch's guards. But he resolved that he needed to escape and pressed on.
The witch's realm lay in the middle of an ancient and angry forest, full of creatures filled with malice, ready to ravage anything in their path. The wounded prince struggled to through the forest, fought many vile creatures and finally reached the ends of the forest of evil. As he emerged, he was barely conscious due to his injuries from fighting the many creatures he came across and from half starving from his long journey. As his vision blurred he saw a village in the distance and limped towards it. Just outside a village there was a little house on the outskirts and it was near this house that the prince collapsed and lost consciousness.
Working out in the field with her animals, the villager who lived in that small house caught the faintest glimpse of the prince right before he collapsed. She immediately ran over to him to see what was the matter and who he was. When she got to him, his face was so covered in blood and swelling that she couldn't tell who he was. Even if she did, the prince was gone for a long time and the kingdom became worried about their prince and where he had gone. Eventually people began to loose hope and the prince was assumed to be dead. Because of this, the villager woman thought him to be a traveler that accidentally ventured into the woods. In her compassion she resolved to save the traveler and tried to get him to her house. As she was trying to move him, she felt a strange chill on the air and thought that she heard some evil whispers. She was nervous, but she couldn't let this poor soul out here to die, so she ignored the chill and eventually got him inside.
Luckily for the prince, this village woman was known for her gentle care and healing prowess. She was often called upon to find medicinal roots, and care for the sick in her village. After she got him settled in her bed, she began to clean his wounds out. As she was cleaning, she felt a strange burning sensation in her face and arms, as if someone was grazing her with a very hot knife. She was a little frightened but she continued. After a while, she had done all she could for the prince for now and she left him to sleep. That strange feeling she experienced eventually went away and she attributed it to possibly grazing a poisonous plant earlier in the day and thought nothing of it.
Despite the efforts of this village healer, the prince had been poisoned in his struggle in the forest and slipped into a feverish coma. The village woman knew that his situation was dire but that all she could do was make him comfortable while his body fought the poison. Every night she sat at his bed side with a moist towel to wipe his brow, warm broth to feed him and extra bandages to dress his wounds.
After a while, the prince's face healed enough to reveal his handsome features and the village healer, little by little became fond of him. As she took care of him, she would read to him, tell him about her day and even tell jokes to him. Soon, despite the prince still locked in a battle against the sickness in his veins, the healer began to love him and told him everything about her. This love that she had for him was possibly what blinded her to the strange coincidences that kept happening to her. She never noticed that after she had nursed the prince that she would gain injuries. Whether she caught her back on a nail or a rope burned her or she accidentally cut herself with a knife, she began to accumulate more and more injuries. Each time, she thought it was an unfortunate event and just shrugged it off. After a while though, the healer began to feel ill herself. Attributing it to a seasonal sickness she kept on doing her duties to her village and diligently attending the prince.
She did notice with much joy that he seemed to be getting better with each passing day. She was so happy that he was getting over his sickness and that he'll wake up soon and finally meet her, that she didn't notice that she wasn't getting better. Getting up in the mornings became harder, she started being unable to attend to the villages and would turn people away claiming she was too ill to be of service. Despite that she would never fail to attend the prince, her lost traveler. Soon she got so ill that she collapsed right as she was taking the last bandage off of the final wound of the prince's arm.
When she fell to the floor unconscious and near death, the prince finally woke up. His body felt wonderful and while he was still a little weak, he managed to sit up and swing his feet over the side of the bed. When he looked down, he saw the healer lying on the floor. She looked so ill by this time she was hardly recognizable. The prince not knowing who she was but knowing that she needed help summoned the strength to pick her up and take her into the village. He called out in the middle of the village for help and announced that he was the lost prince and needed to return to his family and his kingdom but that this women needed assistance because she looked very ill. One of the village elders took her into her home, she knew about the healer's deeds and began to try and nurse her. But very soon after the prince left the little village, the healer died. As the prince was on his way back to his kingdom, he thought about who that healer was and how he woke up there. But those thoughts quickly faded as he hurried home awaiting to see his royal family and all of his friends again.
~The End~
After a while, the magic waned and the prince started seeing the witch for who she really was. At first, he didn't believe it because he was still so enamored, and so he hid any signs of his gradual awakening from the witch. She, believing her magic was still strong did not worry and continued on without a care. But one day, the spell finally broke completely, and the prince was able to see the witch for who she truly was and he was horrified that he had been so in love with a person who was so evil. After his revelation he decided he needed to escape from the witch's clutches and so he devised a plan that he would escape in the dead of night, when the witch was out doing her evil deeds. When the night came, he grabbed his cloak and he stole out of her castle, fighting some of her minions along the way. When the witch came back to the castle she was furious about the prince's escape and screamed a curse out into the air. While the prince was running away from the castle, thunder shook and he heard her voice in the air...she hissed "You will never be able to receive help without hurting another person, if anyone tries to heal you, they will take your wounds onto their body, as you heal, they will suffer". The prince's stomach dropped as he looked at his wounds already attained from the witch's guards. But he resolved that he needed to escape and pressed on.
The witch's realm lay in the middle of an ancient and angry forest, full of creatures filled with malice, ready to ravage anything in their path. The wounded prince struggled to through the forest, fought many vile creatures and finally reached the ends of the forest of evil. As he emerged, he was barely conscious due to his injuries from fighting the many creatures he came across and from half starving from his long journey. As his vision blurred he saw a village in the distance and limped towards it. Just outside a village there was a little house on the outskirts and it was near this house that the prince collapsed and lost consciousness.
Working out in the field with her animals, the villager who lived in that small house caught the faintest glimpse of the prince right before he collapsed. She immediately ran over to him to see what was the matter and who he was. When she got to him, his face was so covered in blood and swelling that she couldn't tell who he was. Even if she did, the prince was gone for a long time and the kingdom became worried about their prince and where he had gone. Eventually people began to loose hope and the prince was assumed to be dead. Because of this, the villager woman thought him to be a traveler that accidentally ventured into the woods. In her compassion she resolved to save the traveler and tried to get him to her house. As she was trying to move him, she felt a strange chill on the air and thought that she heard some evil whispers. She was nervous, but she couldn't let this poor soul out here to die, so she ignored the chill and eventually got him inside.
Luckily for the prince, this village woman was known for her gentle care and healing prowess. She was often called upon to find medicinal roots, and care for the sick in her village. After she got him settled in her bed, she began to clean his wounds out. As she was cleaning, she felt a strange burning sensation in her face and arms, as if someone was grazing her with a very hot knife. She was a little frightened but she continued. After a while, she had done all she could for the prince for now and she left him to sleep. That strange feeling she experienced eventually went away and she attributed it to possibly grazing a poisonous plant earlier in the day and thought nothing of it.
Despite the efforts of this village healer, the prince had been poisoned in his struggle in the forest and slipped into a feverish coma. The village woman knew that his situation was dire but that all she could do was make him comfortable while his body fought the poison. Every night she sat at his bed side with a moist towel to wipe his brow, warm broth to feed him and extra bandages to dress his wounds.
After a while, the prince's face healed enough to reveal his handsome features and the village healer, little by little became fond of him. As she took care of him, she would read to him, tell him about her day and even tell jokes to him. Soon, despite the prince still locked in a battle against the sickness in his veins, the healer began to love him and told him everything about her. This love that she had for him was possibly what blinded her to the strange coincidences that kept happening to her. She never noticed that after she had nursed the prince that she would gain injuries. Whether she caught her back on a nail or a rope burned her or she accidentally cut herself with a knife, she began to accumulate more and more injuries. Each time, she thought it was an unfortunate event and just shrugged it off. After a while though, the healer began to feel ill herself. Attributing it to a seasonal sickness she kept on doing her duties to her village and diligently attending the prince.
She did notice with much joy that he seemed to be getting better with each passing day. She was so happy that he was getting over his sickness and that he'll wake up soon and finally meet her, that she didn't notice that she wasn't getting better. Getting up in the mornings became harder, she started being unable to attend to the villages and would turn people away claiming she was too ill to be of service. Despite that she would never fail to attend the prince, her lost traveler. Soon she got so ill that she collapsed right as she was taking the last bandage off of the final wound of the prince's arm.
When she fell to the floor unconscious and near death, the prince finally woke up. His body felt wonderful and while he was still a little weak, he managed to sit up and swing his feet over the side of the bed. When he looked down, he saw the healer lying on the floor. She looked so ill by this time she was hardly recognizable. The prince not knowing who she was but knowing that she needed help summoned the strength to pick her up and take her into the village. He called out in the middle of the village for help and announced that he was the lost prince and needed to return to his family and his kingdom but that this women needed assistance because she looked very ill. One of the village elders took her into her home, she knew about the healer's deeds and began to try and nurse her. But very soon after the prince left the little village, the healer died. As the prince was on his way back to his kingdom, he thought about who that healer was and how he woke up there. But those thoughts quickly faded as he hurried home awaiting to see his royal family and all of his friends again.
~The End~
Saturday, February 15, 2014
En garde!
I feel like that has kind of been the story of my personal life in the last couple of months. I don't trust anybody and consequently I really just can't relax and enjoy another person's company. Well, in my opinion, this kind of sucks. Superficially I have no drama, beneath the surface I feel like I'm stuck in a current that I can't swim out of.
The reasons for this are pretty obvious to me. Remember that one who I wrote all those rosey little blog posts about? Well our time together came and went, almost like a dream where one immediately wakes up in the middle. There were many good and bad things about this relationship, but I like to see it as a net positive experience for me. It taught me a lot about who I am and what I like in other people, but the most important thing it taught me was the importance of security. It never occurred to me how this one facet of a relationship can just make things click into place and quickly make even imperfect situations appear perfect and meant to be.
You never know what you've got till its gone. To some extent I think its true, but I think I knew what I had when I had it. Which makes me feel all the more hollow in places I haven't felt empty in a very long time. I'm trying to move on. I really am. I just haven't run into anyone else that I can truly let my guard down in front of. So for now, I'm going to be a fencer in a perpetual duel.
The reasons for this are pretty obvious to me. Remember that one who I wrote all those rosey little blog posts about? Well our time together came and went, almost like a dream where one immediately wakes up in the middle. There were many good and bad things about this relationship, but I like to see it as a net positive experience for me. It taught me a lot about who I am and what I like in other people, but the most important thing it taught me was the importance of security. It never occurred to me how this one facet of a relationship can just make things click into place and quickly make even imperfect situations appear perfect and meant to be.
You never know what you've got till its gone. To some extent I think its true, but I think I knew what I had when I had it. Which makes me feel all the more hollow in places I haven't felt empty in a very long time. I'm trying to move on. I really am. I just haven't run into anyone else that I can truly let my guard down in front of. So for now, I'm going to be a fencer in a perpetual duel.
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