One of the things I was talented at when I was a kid was picking out cards for people. Give me a person I knew moderately well, give me an occasion, I could find a card deep within the bowels of any grocery store.
Its funny because, I was never creative enough or clever enough to come up with the witticisms on the cards myself, but I'll tell you, I was great at picking out cards that matched the situation and the person. The thing is, I always thought that those people creating those cards were so clever and so articulate. Its not just cards that I can appreciate though, now in my internet adventures I often come across particularly poignant pieces of writing (be it quotes, paragraphs, song lyrics, what have you).
Tonight I found a particularly good one. It came from goodreads.com where they had a list of quotes from novels that were on the subject of being scared. I was originally on there because I was worried about an exam I have to take tomorrow and I needed some inspiration for overcoming my fear, but I found this piece which near perfectly describes how I felt about my most recent relationship with someone I truly cared for.
"The hard part is that I lost myself. In the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay, I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to love myself, and when that happens, you lose everything. And when the one person in the entire world who loves you unconditionally is gone, then you start wondering who will love you? And then when you start wondering, you get scared that you have to even ask that question. But since you have already asked yourself that, you can’t ignore it. Who will love you now? Who could possibly love everything about you, now that the only person in the world who could, is gone? Hell, you don’t even love yourself. Why would someone else? And then when you realize that, the relationship you’re in seems pointless. Because you start believing that they won’t ever be able to withstand your problems and craziness. And then that snowballs to even more insecurities and fear, and you feel trapped in this broken body that can’t ever be healed. And then you feel lost, torn, broken, unfixable, damaged, and like nothing in the entire world could ever possibly be okay again. Because you know from the past, that even when everything seems okay, another devastating blow comes around again and knocks you back down. So you feel even smaller, even weaker. By that point you’re at the bottom, you’re looking up in tears, ready to scream for help. But you’re not sure who’s going to be there, and if the person who does show up, is going to be the person you need, the person who’s going to pick you up, and help you heal. And then you realize again, that you lost yourself. That in the midst of life happening all around you, you lost ability to be okay."
-Sabrina K
For the longest time, I could never really put into words why this particular failed relationship was so devastating to me. Why, even though I've had a number of painful, failed relationships, why this one seemed different. Different enough to make me want to walk away from the prospect of ever opening up to anyone ever again.
Thank you Sabrina, whoever you are, for articulating what I couldn't
No comments:
Post a Comment