Now that I am finally finished with fall term I have a little more time to write something for this blog of mine. I find it a little ironic that I say I have time and yet I'm writing this blog post at 12 in the morning. Its because of my family, I love them to death, but they require a lot of time from me on vacation and I just can't really write in front of them. But, as a friend of mine once said, that's neither here nor there.
Tonight I want to write about something that has been bothering me for a while, one of my biggest pet peeves: condescension. Whats funny to me is that I can stand this kind of behavior from some kinds of people but not from others. My tolerance for this kind of thing depends heavily on the context and situation. For example, I can stand being treated like a child with my elders, but not with those I deem within my peer group. But condescension in its many forms bothers me and most of the time I find it deeply insulting, whether it happens to me or someone else.
The form of condescension that really touches a nerve for me is the kind where one person talks down to another person because of their status in life; they are younger, older, they are a different sex, marital status, religion, race or education. Tonight I'm going to focus on the age condescension because I feel that is the most relevant to me.
Because I have grown up both looking young and being one of the youngest in my family, there have been many instances where I have been treated differently because of my age and/or lack of maturity. (Note: I am going to use younger and lack of maturity interchangeably). Most of the time this kind of treatment comes from my elders, which, as I have said before, is more or less tolerable. I feel justified for being able to tolerate it from them because in this way I'm being respectful to my elders while at the same time acknowledging that they indeed have more experience than me. But if I'm treated in that way by someone who is in my peer group, I feel extremely insulted and am more likely to lash out.
My reasoning for this sensitivity is because now, I am more and less, an adult, and I strongly feel that I should be treated with all the respect due to someone of my age and maturity.
Will continue tomorrow morning because I'm too tired to write anything more coherent tonight.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
A short blog post
I really think I should blog more. I like it as an outlet for the upsetting feelings I have on occasion, but its tragic because when I feel the most inspired, articulate, and the great desire for blogging I force myself not to because I have other obligations to attend to...namely my studies. I turn towards my studies because blogging for me has proven itself to be a very time consuming activity and many times I really do not have the time it takes to construct something that closely captures how I feel.
THUS I am writing a short blog post about writing a short blog post to prove to myself that I can indeed write something less than a Russian novel and still post it. Call it, breaking through a mental barrier.
Hopefully this will help me to write more often because I won't be afraid of equating a short post to an arbitrary post. I'll be able to ask questions, give short blurbs, and even some rants thrown in. So hurrah!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Motorcycles and Boys
Wew! Its been a while since I last blogged. Well here we go again, sit back relax and enjoy because I feel like this will be a long one considering the topics I chose.
As it is, school is right around the corner. Starting on Monday as a matter of fact. Right now everything is hectic because I'm moving...again, I'm getting over a cold, my brother is here, veterinary school applications are due in the next week, I had to miss a fun backpacking trip with my best friends because of apartment issues, and I still have to finish my research project on marine mammal strandings.
The good news is that I am feeling increasingly more confident on my motorcycle and I'm feeling increasingly better about my relationships with two people in particular.
First things first though. Motorcycles. I'm surprised I didn't blog about this earlier but within one single summer I conquered my fear of motorcycles, got a motorcycle endorsement, bought a motorcycle, and have been driving sed motorcycle all over the place. Its been pretty awesome and I feel so lucky that things happened the way they did, I absolutely LOVE my bike and all my gear. I got a 2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r with special edition green, black and white fairings.
I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel like quite a bad ass. This is also my desktop background on my computer right now - which should tell you how much I like it (I don't think I've had a desk top that didn't have some sort of marine animal on it for a while now).
But anyway, this is really big for me. It really is! When I was child, I was so scared of riding that even when I rode on the back of my Dad's bike with him while he was driving I shut my eyes and held on as tight as I could. The fear eased a bit with years past, but if you asked me even last year if I would ride a motorcycle I would have said no. But here I am, a rider, and proud. How did it happen? Well a couple of reasons, the reason I emphasize to people, the reason that only other riders understand, and the emotional reason.
The reason I emphasize to everyone I talk to about riding is that I wanted to conquer my childhood fear of riding motorcycles. I decided at the beginning of this year that I didn't want to be scared of so many things any more. I wanted to look straight in the face of things that terrified me and spit at it. Why? I think its because I wanted to prove to myself that I had courage, when I felt like I was being cowardly. (The idea of forcing myself to be courageous ties in with my third reason so I will go into that in a minute). So motorcycling ended up being extremely empowering. Because I was so nervous about riding, it was that much more of a relief when everything turned out fine and it was easier than I had anticipated. I have had so many experiences where I have been correct in my assumptions that a certain situation was going to be bad (sometimes the situation would be even worse than I had anticipated) and because of this I've always had reservations in doing what is right or needed when I anticipate the situation being emotionally difficult. Being on a motorcycle has helped me on this a lot. I learned through my motorcycle safety course that it is NOT impossible to ride safely and to control the bike properly. Eventually I even learned how ridiculously fun riding really is! I guess it took a remedy of a big fear of mine to teach me that not everything will turn out as bad as I think. I'm not going to say that I'm completely cured of my cowardice, but at least I've been taking large steps in the right direction. I'm hoping that more riding will help me take more of those steps.
*On to reason number two: freedom, the joy of being alive, and escape. I can't speak for all riders here, but I would imagine that those are very common themes among riders. First of all, lets look at freedom. What I learned from my dad who has been riding for 20+ years was that the slang term for people who drive cars are "Cage-ers". I think this is totally fitting. First for the physical reasons of being in a big metal cage driving down the road, but also for the mentality. I think the car is a really good symbol for middle class society as we know it. You grow up and get a car. That car will take you to and from school/work, to your sister's wedding, to a congested freeway and to a bunch of other places that represent the normal hum-drum of life. You become locked in what many of my friends fear: the cage of growing up and becoming responsible in the eyes of society. To me this entails liking beer, a variety of stinky, moldy cheeses, being a stay at home mom, taking the kids to soccer practice, and then eventually waiting to die when my body starts refusing to function. This is the cage.
Now add a motorcycle. All of a sudden, its just you out there. You now enter a battle of survival with other cars and obstacles TRYING to get you with only the occasional other motorcyclist waving at you and reminding you that you are not alone (I can't even tell you how much it means to me whenever I wave at someone and they wave back on a ride. Its like a mutual acknowledgement of the danger inherent in the situation and a "don't worry buddy, you're not alone"). You are in charge now. Not your boss, not your friends, not your parents, not your professors - you and you alone. You get to decide if you want to go fast, you get to decide where you want to go and all you have in front of you is endless expanses of highway just begging to be ridden. If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.
Being on the motorcycle reminds me that it is my life, and I'm in control when I need to be reminded of it the most. Every biker knows that once they sit on that bike they are in danger and the stakes are high; I know it too. But, despite the danger, after a long ride, when I get off my bike, I laugh, partially because of what a fun ride it was, but mostly of relief - that I'm alive! That I survived another day! Thinking about it know reminds me of that quote: "live each day as if it were your last" or some variation of that theme. Well, I can tell you from my personal experience on a motorcycle the wisdom of the masses was spot on. If you are thankful for simply being alive, or for surviving, then you'll be happier than you'd ever expect.
The last part of this reason is escape. Escape both from the place where I'm at, but also escape from the dark inner trappings of my thoughts. It is said that you shouldn't drive your motorcycle when you are emotionally compromised because it will affect your driving, and to some extent I think this is true, but, if you can focus on driving (like I can), then you'll still drive safely. To do this you must be able to shut out (temporarily) the emotional mess and just think about where you are going and how you are going to get there. This is actually something I dreamed about earlier in the year when I was going through a rough emotional time. I really wanted to leave my situation - to just get up and go, and to hopefully drive fast enough to leave my woes in the dust. But I learned exactly what I just said above, you need to shut out the problems completely if you are going to be safe on your bike. When I sit on my bike, my problems cease to be and all I focus on is driving and keeping myself safe. I think its because I have my priorities straight; when I get on my bike I understand I am taking an enormous risk and so when I start riding I realize that my safety and well being comes before my negative feelings about a situation.
Don't get me wrong though, if I was truly emotionally compromised, I wouldn't drive at all. For example, if I was upset enough to be crying, I would not ride my bike. But if I was so stressed that I needed time to myself - yes I would ride and the ride would be my escape. This somewhat contradicts what I said in my first reason because its sometimes deemed cowardly to run away from your problems, but on the other hand, everyone needs a moment and the motorcycle forces you to briefly focus on something else. Thus it creates a perfect escape.
Now to the last reason, the emotional reason. The emotional reason is because of a boy. One of my ex-boyfriends. He was the one responsible for the hard time I was going through from the beginning of the year to late summer. This guy changed a lot about my personality and I believe a lot of it for the better (I wish it to be known, however, that despite coming out of this a better, more confident person, it still wasn't worth the pain, it really wasn't). Some of the things that changed about me was my willingness to take risks and a decrease in fear towards stressful situations. These were some of the things I really admired about him - he wasn't afraid of taking risks, and he was rarely scared of anything. When he was scared about something, and it passed, he laughed about it - like it was nothing! I admired those qualities so much that I tried to emulate them in myself, partially to better myself, but probably mostly to impress him. One of the reasons I turned to motorcycles was to prove to both him and myself that I wasn't afraid and that I COULD do anything if I so wanted to. So I chose something that I was extremely afraid of and I decided that I wasn't going to be scared of it anymore - that something was riding motorcycles. The other reason I chose motorcycles over something else, for example getting a pilot's license and flying a plane, was because I wanted to be more like him while still retaining the little things that made me, me. I have history with motorcycles, my dad rides, my brother got a motorcycle license and rode for a while - it was something that was part of me. So I chose motorcycles. The part that was copying him was that it was a motorized vehicle. He loved cars, he knew exactly how they worked, could take them apart, he could make them perform better, but above all, he loved going fast. I remember sitting in the passenger seat watching the enormous amount of pleasure he would get from pushing that pedal down and feeling the gravitational forces push him against his seat. I wanted to show him that I could be like that, but with something else just as good; ergo motorcycles. I guess it was just another part of my relationship campaign with him which was that 'we are different, but equal'. What saddens me though, is that he didn't want different. He wanted someone similar to him, so it should come as no surprise that the girl he started dating a month or so after breaking up with me was another student at his same level who came from the same home town as he did.
Well, it didn't work, but despite it all, I'm thankful that I learned how to ride. Riding a motorcycle is one of the best things I've ever done. With that, I will end my discussion on motorcycles with a quote that I think sums up the rest of my sentiments towards the hobby:
"A motorcycle is a joy machine. It's a machine of wonders, a metal bird, a motorized prosthetic. It's light and dark and shiny and dirty and warm and cold lapping over each other; it's a conduit of grace. Cars lie to us and tell us we're safe, powerful, and in control. The air-conditioning fans murmur empty assurances and whisper, "Sleep, sleep." Motorcycles tell us a more useful truth: we are small and exposed, and probably moving too fast for our own good, but that's no reason not to enjoy every minute of the ride."
This quote also resonates with me because it discredits parts of that boy's personality that, I did somewhat admire, he took to too much of an extreme. At the same time it validates what I know to be true. He believed that he was near invincible and that he was larger than life (he also likes cars). I don't think that is true, not for him and not for anyone. So as the quote was goes, motorcycles taught me the truth.
So ends my discussion on motorcycles. I hope it shows just how much I love my new hobby.
Next: BOYS! My FAVORITE subject! Gag...Moving on.
A lot of what I had to say in regards to this was already mentioned in the motorcycle discussion, but I suppose I'll elaborate a little more. The ex-boyfriend already mentioned has been causing relationship problems for me since February and its only now that I feel confident in saying that I'm getting over him. Its such a relief for me because it really feels like a weight has been lifted. I've discovered that I can have an awesome life and feel awesome about myself without him in my life. Most importantly though, I've found that I can like someone romantically that is not him and actually like it better. I'm sorry to say this but it did take a "re-bound" boyfriend to teach me this. This re-bound taught me where I was in my path out of the madness I was in, as well as showed me exactly what I want in a partner. Despite the good that came out of it for me, I made some serious mistakes that I deeply regret in that relationship (most of which I have kept to myself out of protection for the parties involved).**
Luckily, I think the worst is over. I will admit that I do feel nervous about ever seeing this ex again because of a mucky history we have together, but I guess I'll deal with that when it comes. When that time does come, I feel confident that I'll have it in myself to finally do the right thing despite an absurd amount of temptation. I feel more confident about it because of one last boy I'll mention tonight. He is the one I currently have feelings for, albeit at a distance. He's also the one who inspired me to be stronger in the situation with my ex. God help me if he ever reads what I'm going to say next.
He is a really interesting case. When I first met him, we were just friends and my knowledge of him was extremely superficial. After I started liking him romantically, however, I dug deeper and found a lot of things that were, quite frankly, frightening to me. He, like me, suffered trauma, but a different kind of trauma, which made me terrified of getting close to him. All I will say is that its because I've seen things from both sides of what he has suffered through. I'm not ready to talk with him about this because I'm not entirely sure he'll understand and I'm very slow to trust others with this. But I digress. He is an interesting case because he reminds me of one of my exs, but he is different in ways that really matter to me. In a word he's more real. He has a lot of qualities that I admire (which I think is another big reason that I started to like him). Qualities like determination, intelligence, tenacity, dedication, loyalty, integrity, tenderness, adventurousness, and being extremely attractive (by the way, if you are reading this, I hope you're blushing). Another big reason is that I feel that we are what I wanted to be with my ex: "different but equal". Meaning that some day both of us will be on par with one another professionally but in a different field. Overall, he is someone that I respect and admire as a person and would be someone I would be proud to be with.
The reason why all of this is at a distance is a little complicated. First of all, because I know what happened to him, I want to make sure I'm a person worthy enough for him romantically. I still carry a lot of shame over what has happened in the past and I want to...as the saying goes "learn from my mistakes". Another reason is that I want to be DAMN sure that I can do the right thing when I'm faced with sticky situations. He deserves that much. I want to beat my weaknesses both for him and for myself. Another reason is that he doesn't feel like he is ready to be in a relationship. His admission of that was really interesting for me because I've never encountered something like that in a guy before. Most guys I've met just want to go into a relationship as soon as they are attracted to someone. But not him, he cares so much about his future girlfriend that he wants to make sure that he is emotionally whole for her. Regardless of whether this girl ever becomes me or someone else, that sentiment touches me deeply. The last reason is for reasons of practicality. I'm in the process of going to veterinary school and that means I don't know where I will be come next fall. He is in the middle of a graduate degree and can't leave. Thus problems arise. Logically, the likelihood of us dating is slim, but despite what my logical mind thinks, I'm hoping for the best (and it makes me hope I get accepted to the school I'm at).
Well I was planning on talking about the end of summer but its getting really late and I'm getting tired of writing. No worries my dear reader, I'll blog about it later. Till next time!
*I wish it to be known that I'm not trying to insult anyone who chooses to live such life styles or anyone who drives a car. This is merely my opinion and perspectives.
**A discussion about the ethics of this will be discussed in a later blog post.
As it is, school is right around the corner. Starting on Monday as a matter of fact. Right now everything is hectic because I'm moving...again, I'm getting over a cold, my brother is here, veterinary school applications are due in the next week, I had to miss a fun backpacking trip with my best friends because of apartment issues, and I still have to finish my research project on marine mammal strandings.
The good news is that I am feeling increasingly more confident on my motorcycle and I'm feeling increasingly better about my relationships with two people in particular.
First things first though. Motorcycles. I'm surprised I didn't blog about this earlier but within one single summer I conquered my fear of motorcycles, got a motorcycle endorsement, bought a motorcycle, and have been driving sed motorcycle all over the place. Its been pretty awesome and I feel so lucky that things happened the way they did, I absolutely LOVE my bike and all my gear. I got a 2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r with special edition green, black and white fairings.
I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel like quite a bad ass. This is also my desktop background on my computer right now - which should tell you how much I like it (I don't think I've had a desk top that didn't have some sort of marine animal on it for a while now).
But anyway, this is really big for me. It really is! When I was child, I was so scared of riding that even when I rode on the back of my Dad's bike with him while he was driving I shut my eyes and held on as tight as I could. The fear eased a bit with years past, but if you asked me even last year if I would ride a motorcycle I would have said no. But here I am, a rider, and proud. How did it happen? Well a couple of reasons, the reason I emphasize to people, the reason that only other riders understand, and the emotional reason.
The reason I emphasize to everyone I talk to about riding is that I wanted to conquer my childhood fear of riding motorcycles. I decided at the beginning of this year that I didn't want to be scared of so many things any more. I wanted to look straight in the face of things that terrified me and spit at it. Why? I think its because I wanted to prove to myself that I had courage, when I felt like I was being cowardly. (The idea of forcing myself to be courageous ties in with my third reason so I will go into that in a minute). So motorcycling ended up being extremely empowering. Because I was so nervous about riding, it was that much more of a relief when everything turned out fine and it was easier than I had anticipated. I have had so many experiences where I have been correct in my assumptions that a certain situation was going to be bad (sometimes the situation would be even worse than I had anticipated) and because of this I've always had reservations in doing what is right or needed when I anticipate the situation being emotionally difficult. Being on a motorcycle has helped me on this a lot. I learned through my motorcycle safety course that it is NOT impossible to ride safely and to control the bike properly. Eventually I even learned how ridiculously fun riding really is! I guess it took a remedy of a big fear of mine to teach me that not everything will turn out as bad as I think. I'm not going to say that I'm completely cured of my cowardice, but at least I've been taking large steps in the right direction. I'm hoping that more riding will help me take more of those steps.
*On to reason number two: freedom, the joy of being alive, and escape. I can't speak for all riders here, but I would imagine that those are very common themes among riders. First of all, lets look at freedom. What I learned from my dad who has been riding for 20+ years was that the slang term for people who drive cars are "Cage-ers". I think this is totally fitting. First for the physical reasons of being in a big metal cage driving down the road, but also for the mentality. I think the car is a really good symbol for middle class society as we know it. You grow up and get a car. That car will take you to and from school/work, to your sister's wedding, to a congested freeway and to a bunch of other places that represent the normal hum-drum of life. You become locked in what many of my friends fear: the cage of growing up and becoming responsible in the eyes of society. To me this entails liking beer, a variety of stinky, moldy cheeses, being a stay at home mom, taking the kids to soccer practice, and then eventually waiting to die when my body starts refusing to function. This is the cage.
Now add a motorcycle. All of a sudden, its just you out there. You now enter a battle of survival with other cars and obstacles TRYING to get you with only the occasional other motorcyclist waving at you and reminding you that you are not alone (I can't even tell you how much it means to me whenever I wave at someone and they wave back on a ride. Its like a mutual acknowledgement of the danger inherent in the situation and a "don't worry buddy, you're not alone"). You are in charge now. Not your boss, not your friends, not your parents, not your professors - you and you alone. You get to decide if you want to go fast, you get to decide where you want to go and all you have in front of you is endless expanses of highway just begging to be ridden. If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.
Being on the motorcycle reminds me that it is my life, and I'm in control when I need to be reminded of it the most. Every biker knows that once they sit on that bike they are in danger and the stakes are high; I know it too. But, despite the danger, after a long ride, when I get off my bike, I laugh, partially because of what a fun ride it was, but mostly of relief - that I'm alive! That I survived another day! Thinking about it know reminds me of that quote: "live each day as if it were your last" or some variation of that theme. Well, I can tell you from my personal experience on a motorcycle the wisdom of the masses was spot on. If you are thankful for simply being alive, or for surviving, then you'll be happier than you'd ever expect.
The last part of this reason is escape. Escape both from the place where I'm at, but also escape from the dark inner trappings of my thoughts. It is said that you shouldn't drive your motorcycle when you are emotionally compromised because it will affect your driving, and to some extent I think this is true, but, if you can focus on driving (like I can), then you'll still drive safely. To do this you must be able to shut out (temporarily) the emotional mess and just think about where you are going and how you are going to get there. This is actually something I dreamed about earlier in the year when I was going through a rough emotional time. I really wanted to leave my situation - to just get up and go, and to hopefully drive fast enough to leave my woes in the dust. But I learned exactly what I just said above, you need to shut out the problems completely if you are going to be safe on your bike. When I sit on my bike, my problems cease to be and all I focus on is driving and keeping myself safe. I think its because I have my priorities straight; when I get on my bike I understand I am taking an enormous risk and so when I start riding I realize that my safety and well being comes before my negative feelings about a situation.
Don't get me wrong though, if I was truly emotionally compromised, I wouldn't drive at all. For example, if I was upset enough to be crying, I would not ride my bike. But if I was so stressed that I needed time to myself - yes I would ride and the ride would be my escape. This somewhat contradicts what I said in my first reason because its sometimes deemed cowardly to run away from your problems, but on the other hand, everyone needs a moment and the motorcycle forces you to briefly focus on something else. Thus it creates a perfect escape.
Now to the last reason, the emotional reason. The emotional reason is because of a boy. One of my ex-boyfriends. He was the one responsible for the hard time I was going through from the beginning of the year to late summer. This guy changed a lot about my personality and I believe a lot of it for the better (I wish it to be known, however, that despite coming out of this a better, more confident person, it still wasn't worth the pain, it really wasn't). Some of the things that changed about me was my willingness to take risks and a decrease in fear towards stressful situations. These were some of the things I really admired about him - he wasn't afraid of taking risks, and he was rarely scared of anything. When he was scared about something, and it passed, he laughed about it - like it was nothing! I admired those qualities so much that I tried to emulate them in myself, partially to better myself, but probably mostly to impress him. One of the reasons I turned to motorcycles was to prove to both him and myself that I wasn't afraid and that I COULD do anything if I so wanted to. So I chose something that I was extremely afraid of and I decided that I wasn't going to be scared of it anymore - that something was riding motorcycles. The other reason I chose motorcycles over something else, for example getting a pilot's license and flying a plane, was because I wanted to be more like him while still retaining the little things that made me, me. I have history with motorcycles, my dad rides, my brother got a motorcycle license and rode for a while - it was something that was part of me. So I chose motorcycles. The part that was copying him was that it was a motorized vehicle. He loved cars, he knew exactly how they worked, could take them apart, he could make them perform better, but above all, he loved going fast. I remember sitting in the passenger seat watching the enormous amount of pleasure he would get from pushing that pedal down and feeling the gravitational forces push him against his seat. I wanted to show him that I could be like that, but with something else just as good; ergo motorcycles. I guess it was just another part of my relationship campaign with him which was that 'we are different, but equal'. What saddens me though, is that he didn't want different. He wanted someone similar to him, so it should come as no surprise that the girl he started dating a month or so after breaking up with me was another student at his same level who came from the same home town as he did.
Well, it didn't work, but despite it all, I'm thankful that I learned how to ride. Riding a motorcycle is one of the best things I've ever done. With that, I will end my discussion on motorcycles with a quote that I think sums up the rest of my sentiments towards the hobby:
"A motorcycle is a joy machine. It's a machine of wonders, a metal bird, a motorized prosthetic. It's light and dark and shiny and dirty and warm and cold lapping over each other; it's a conduit of grace. Cars lie to us and tell us we're safe, powerful, and in control. The air-conditioning fans murmur empty assurances and whisper, "Sleep, sleep." Motorcycles tell us a more useful truth: we are small and exposed, and probably moving too fast for our own good, but that's no reason not to enjoy every minute of the ride."
This quote also resonates with me because it discredits parts of that boy's personality that, I did somewhat admire, he took to too much of an extreme. At the same time it validates what I know to be true. He believed that he was near invincible and that he was larger than life (he also likes cars). I don't think that is true, not for him and not for anyone. So as the quote was goes, motorcycles taught me the truth.
So ends my discussion on motorcycles. I hope it shows just how much I love my new hobby.
Next: BOYS! My FAVORITE subject! Gag...Moving on.
A lot of what I had to say in regards to this was already mentioned in the motorcycle discussion, but I suppose I'll elaborate a little more. The ex-boyfriend already mentioned has been causing relationship problems for me since February and its only now that I feel confident in saying that I'm getting over him. Its such a relief for me because it really feels like a weight has been lifted. I've discovered that I can have an awesome life and feel awesome about myself without him in my life. Most importantly though, I've found that I can like someone romantically that is not him and actually like it better. I'm sorry to say this but it did take a "re-bound" boyfriend to teach me this. This re-bound taught me where I was in my path out of the madness I was in, as well as showed me exactly what I want in a partner. Despite the good that came out of it for me, I made some serious mistakes that I deeply regret in that relationship (most of which I have kept to myself out of protection for the parties involved).**
Luckily, I think the worst is over. I will admit that I do feel nervous about ever seeing this ex again because of a mucky history we have together, but I guess I'll deal with that when it comes. When that time does come, I feel confident that I'll have it in myself to finally do the right thing despite an absurd amount of temptation. I feel more confident about it because of one last boy I'll mention tonight. He is the one I currently have feelings for, albeit at a distance. He's also the one who inspired me to be stronger in the situation with my ex. God help me if he ever reads what I'm going to say next.
He is a really interesting case. When I first met him, we were just friends and my knowledge of him was extremely superficial. After I started liking him romantically, however, I dug deeper and found a lot of things that were, quite frankly, frightening to me. He, like me, suffered trauma, but a different kind of trauma, which made me terrified of getting close to him. All I will say is that its because I've seen things from both sides of what he has suffered through. I'm not ready to talk with him about this because I'm not entirely sure he'll understand and I'm very slow to trust others with this. But I digress. He is an interesting case because he reminds me of one of my exs, but he is different in ways that really matter to me. In a word he's more real. He has a lot of qualities that I admire (which I think is another big reason that I started to like him). Qualities like determination, intelligence, tenacity, dedication, loyalty, integrity, tenderness, adventurousness, and being extremely attractive (by the way, if you are reading this, I hope you're blushing). Another big reason is that I feel that we are what I wanted to be with my ex: "different but equal". Meaning that some day both of us will be on par with one another professionally but in a different field. Overall, he is someone that I respect and admire as a person and would be someone I would be proud to be with.
The reason why all of this is at a distance is a little complicated. First of all, because I know what happened to him, I want to make sure I'm a person worthy enough for him romantically. I still carry a lot of shame over what has happened in the past and I want to...as the saying goes "learn from my mistakes". Another reason is that I want to be DAMN sure that I can do the right thing when I'm faced with sticky situations. He deserves that much. I want to beat my weaknesses both for him and for myself. Another reason is that he doesn't feel like he is ready to be in a relationship. His admission of that was really interesting for me because I've never encountered something like that in a guy before. Most guys I've met just want to go into a relationship as soon as they are attracted to someone. But not him, he cares so much about his future girlfriend that he wants to make sure that he is emotionally whole for her. Regardless of whether this girl ever becomes me or someone else, that sentiment touches me deeply. The last reason is for reasons of practicality. I'm in the process of going to veterinary school and that means I don't know where I will be come next fall. He is in the middle of a graduate degree and can't leave. Thus problems arise. Logically, the likelihood of us dating is slim, but despite what my logical mind thinks, I'm hoping for the best (and it makes me hope I get accepted to the school I'm at).
Well I was planning on talking about the end of summer but its getting really late and I'm getting tired of writing. No worries my dear reader, I'll blog about it later. Till next time!
*I wish it to be known that I'm not trying to insult anyone who chooses to live such life styles or anyone who drives a car. This is merely my opinion and perspectives.
**A discussion about the ethics of this will be discussed in a later blog post.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith: Foreword
Foreword:
Since late middle school and early high school I have been creating stories in my head regarding two characters: Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith. Their adventures have always remained safely in the confines of my thoughts (especially before bedtime because concocting adventures put me to sleep) except for a few times now and again when I would tell bits and pieces of it to other people. But recently I decided that since I have a blog now, why not share the story?
Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith are characters that I made that represented different parts of my personality. I created these characters and their adventures because, at that time in my life, I (a) found Taoism (b) had a lot of personal drama going on and (c) really really liked fantasy (looking back retrospectively I think it was because I didn't like my own reality, so I made up my own). It was a way of, in a sense, coping with my cold hard reality at the time.
Looking at the characters I made, I was extremely influenced by Taoism. Jyne Sol is a character who represents the yang characteristics: Bright, active, headstrong, loud, fiery, and wears a lot of symbols relating to the sun. Sirus Wraith, on the other hand, is the opposite and represents the more yin characteristics: Dark, quiet, cold, passive, and wears clothing reflecting the night. Originally, it started with the creation of Jyne Sol; she was the person I envisioned myself to be. But because of a great deal of personal drama in my life, Sirus Wraith was created. I needed another 'alter ego' to replace Jyne because some where along the way I had lost what made me identify with Jyne Sol. Looking back on it now, I guess it was a good that I had both characters; it made me whole in a way. I believe that part of being human is acknowledging all parts of yourself not just the warm and fuzzy bits. And so, even though I didn't know it at the time, I was striding towards becoming more well rounded and well.....real.
What makes these characters firmly entrenched in the genre of fantasy is the background of their existence. Jyne Sol is the guardian and leader of the realm of Wisen, a continent where only the winged are allowed to inhabit. The other continents in this world are Mortalia, the human realm, and Shadieve, the realm of the shadows. There are several races in this world: the winged (of which there are 3 types), the humans, the shadows (more than one type), the gods, and the elders. All aspects of my fantasy are inspired by my experiences as well as represent different parts of my life (whether it be places I'd like to go, animals I love, people I've met...etc).
I have decided to starting creating the story, and I will write the different parts on this blog as chapters of the story. I apologize ahead of time if the chapters are a bit disjoint, but again, writer's privilege - YES!
Since late middle school and early high school I have been creating stories in my head regarding two characters: Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith. Their adventures have always remained safely in the confines of my thoughts (especially before bedtime because concocting adventures put me to sleep) except for a few times now and again when I would tell bits and pieces of it to other people. But recently I decided that since I have a blog now, why not share the story?
Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith are characters that I made that represented different parts of my personality. I created these characters and their adventures because, at that time in my life, I (a) found Taoism (b) had a lot of personal drama going on and (c) really really liked fantasy (looking back retrospectively I think it was because I didn't like my own reality, so I made up my own). It was a way of, in a sense, coping with my cold hard reality at the time.
Looking at the characters I made, I was extremely influenced by Taoism. Jyne Sol is a character who represents the yang characteristics: Bright, active, headstrong, loud, fiery, and wears a lot of symbols relating to the sun. Sirus Wraith, on the other hand, is the opposite and represents the more yin characteristics: Dark, quiet, cold, passive, and wears clothing reflecting the night. Originally, it started with the creation of Jyne Sol; she was the person I envisioned myself to be. But because of a great deal of personal drama in my life, Sirus Wraith was created. I needed another 'alter ego' to replace Jyne because some where along the way I had lost what made me identify with Jyne Sol. Looking back on it now, I guess it was a good that I had both characters; it made me whole in a way. I believe that part of being human is acknowledging all parts of yourself not just the warm and fuzzy bits. And so, even though I didn't know it at the time, I was striding towards becoming more well rounded and well.....real.
What makes these characters firmly entrenched in the genre of fantasy is the background of their existence. Jyne Sol is the guardian and leader of the realm of Wisen, a continent where only the winged are allowed to inhabit. The other continents in this world are Mortalia, the human realm, and Shadieve, the realm of the shadows. There are several races in this world: the winged (of which there are 3 types), the humans, the shadows (more than one type), the gods, and the elders. All aspects of my fantasy are inspired by my experiences as well as represent different parts of my life (whether it be places I'd like to go, animals I love, people I've met...etc).
I have decided to starting creating the story, and I will write the different parts on this blog as chapters of the story. I apologize ahead of time if the chapters are a bit disjoint, but again, writer's privilege - YES!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Confidence
Well its been a while since I last blogged something meaningful and since I would rather put off my veterinary school application essays a little bit longer I thought I would discuss the very relevant albeit very long topic of confidence.
Confidence is such a broad term that can be used in so many ways and is one of those terms that is extremely dependent on context. Because of this I thought it might be easier to write about it disjointly under separate titles: Dating, Applications, and The catch 22. All of these titles deal with the theme of self confidence, but in different ways. So here it goes.
Dating
I know we've all heard it before but because of author's privilege I'm going to write it here (don't like it? Read someone else's blog!). Both girls and guys find confidence sexy. Period. With that being said, there is also a balance to it. Overconfidence is easily mistaken for arrogance which is of course not as desirable when looking for a potential mate. However personal experience (keep in mind I am a girl and this may not be true with guys) has showed me that over confidence is easier to overcome then shyness. A good example of this is with my recent ex-boyfriend; a physicist who, as he puts it, is an exceptional person just trying to live an exceptional life. This guy is brilliant in his own right, but even if he wasn't you would not be able to tell purely because of the level of confidence he has in himself. It amazes me just how much I was attracted to that single trait in him. But it shouldn't surprise me because on a more primal level it makes sense that confidence is sexy. Females of almost any species are programmed want to mate with the male who will make the best offspring (and when I say the best I mean most likely to survive) and so when a guy is confident about himself, he is able to show the girl in question that he is a capable man and will make good babies. This is exactly what he did; his confidence in himself proved to me that he was a capable, useful person - something I highly respect in a person. And so, again, it shouldn't be so hard to believe that I would fall so hard for this guy. The reverse, I imagine, would also be true for the fact that then it is the female proving to the male that she will not only make good babies but is strong enough to take care of them. Its funny how things like attraction can be boiled down to such simple Darwinian concepts but it remains true nonetheless. From my example I would like you to take away that confidence is sexy because it implicitly tells the other person Hey I'm Awesome!. And so even if you are not little miss/mr. extrovert, a little confidence can go a long way when attracting a mate.
Applications
Now this part of the discussion is extremely relevant to me because its one of the struggles that I have had to overcome through most of the influential parts of my life. Applications for anything: scholarships, school applications, job applications...etc require the kind of self confidence that tells others that you are capable of doing [insert something here]. Unfortunately no application seems to ask that directly. They instead ask about personality traits and other such things that force a person to throw humility to the wind and, as they say, tute their own horn. While there are those who do not have those desirable personality traits (I'm not going to go into that just because its not relevant) many very worthy and wonderful people do have those traits but, like me, are not always able to express that due to lack of self confidence. Frankly, I think that is unfair that those who are unable to express their talents due to extreme humility or crushed self confidence should be written off as a less desirable candidate. Not only are the evaluators missing out on potential excellence they are also being insensitive to the trials that someone could have potentially gone through (this I will mention in the catch 22). Despite my stance on that, I can see why the system is set up the way it is. It is for the same reason as the dating situation just instead of impressing the mate, you're impressing someone that you are capable of doing [insert here]. To put this in more primal terms, you're trying to convince the pack leader that you are strong enough to join the hunt and not cause the rest of your pack to starve because you couldn't stab the woolly mammoth. In my situation I'm telling veterinary schools that I am adequately prepared as well as possess the right characteristics for their hard as all hell program and that I won't drop out within the first few weeks of school. To others applying for a job, you're merely trying to say hey, I want to work here, and I'll work really hard so that you'll make lots of money. Its all so simple, and yet not...which leads me to the last topic...
The Catch 22
I called this section the catch 22 because through most of this post I've been stressing how confidence is really important in both love and work but while a healthy dose of confidence is generally positive, its something that few people have in abundance. Some can even have none at all which can have devastating effects in all aspects of person's life. Victims of emotional (or just about any other kind) abuse are a good example here. Say that someone was in an emotionally abusive relationship either with a spouse or a family member that completely shattered their confidence in themselves. Exactly how is that person ever supposed to let their talents shine if they can't even see their talents? Its like putting a blind person room of beautiful paintings, while the paintings are breathtaking, the blind person can't remark on them because they are unable to see them. After awhile the blind person might even forget that the paintings are there at all. There are so many, myself included, which have been that blind person in a room full of beautiful paintings. And what are we supposed to do? Make something up? Because the blind person can't see, if they were forced to remark on it then for all they know they could just be making something up, which if you bring that back to the real life situation, would equate to lying (making it then an ethical dilemma which makes it that much more complicated) It is hard enough to write truthfully and eloquently, let alone writing eloquently on something that you are unable to see/acknowledge. This is what has made writing applications for anything extraordinarily difficult and where I find myself at a disadvantage. So while confidence is important, sometimes you can't reasonably expect that from a person either because they don't have any or because they lost it. Thus, the catch 22.
Luckily many years of success and the love and respect of others (my friends and family) has allowed me to finally be able to see some of my beautiful paintings. I feel blessed in a way because it really couldn't have come at a more crucial time. I am applying for veterinary school and I'm required to say exactly how I would make the best applicant for veterinary school and if I didn't have the self confidence that I do now, my application would be exponentially weaker than what it is at this point.
This is all I can manage tonight since I really had to force myself to come up with something halfway articulate. So just fair warning, I am probably going to re-visit this topic at another time when I'm feeling more inspired. Till then...wish me luck on my essays!
Confidence is such a broad term that can be used in so many ways and is one of those terms that is extremely dependent on context. Because of this I thought it might be easier to write about it disjointly under separate titles: Dating, Applications, and The catch 22. All of these titles deal with the theme of self confidence, but in different ways. So here it goes.
Dating
I know we've all heard it before but because of author's privilege I'm going to write it here (don't like it? Read someone else's blog!). Both girls and guys find confidence sexy. Period. With that being said, there is also a balance to it. Overconfidence is easily mistaken for arrogance which is of course not as desirable when looking for a potential mate. However personal experience (keep in mind I am a girl and this may not be true with guys) has showed me that over confidence is easier to overcome then shyness. A good example of this is with my recent ex-boyfriend; a physicist who, as he puts it, is an exceptional person just trying to live an exceptional life. This guy is brilliant in his own right, but even if he wasn't you would not be able to tell purely because of the level of confidence he has in himself. It amazes me just how much I was attracted to that single trait in him. But it shouldn't surprise me because on a more primal level it makes sense that confidence is sexy. Females of almost any species are programmed want to mate with the male who will make the best offspring (and when I say the best I mean most likely to survive) and so when a guy is confident about himself, he is able to show the girl in question that he is a capable man and will make good babies. This is exactly what he did; his confidence in himself proved to me that he was a capable, useful person - something I highly respect in a person. And so, again, it shouldn't be so hard to believe that I would fall so hard for this guy. The reverse, I imagine, would also be true for the fact that then it is the female proving to the male that she will not only make good babies but is strong enough to take care of them. Its funny how things like attraction can be boiled down to such simple Darwinian concepts but it remains true nonetheless. From my example I would like you to take away that confidence is sexy because it implicitly tells the other person Hey I'm Awesome!. And so even if you are not little miss/mr. extrovert, a little confidence can go a long way when attracting a mate.
Applications
Now this part of the discussion is extremely relevant to me because its one of the struggles that I have had to overcome through most of the influential parts of my life. Applications for anything: scholarships, school applications, job applications...etc require the kind of self confidence that tells others that you are capable of doing [insert something here]. Unfortunately no application seems to ask that directly. They instead ask about personality traits and other such things that force a person to throw humility to the wind and, as they say, tute their own horn. While there are those who do not have those desirable personality traits (I'm not going to go into that just because its not relevant) many very worthy and wonderful people do have those traits but, like me, are not always able to express that due to lack of self confidence. Frankly, I think that is unfair that those who are unable to express their talents due to extreme humility or crushed self confidence should be written off as a less desirable candidate. Not only are the evaluators missing out on potential excellence they are also being insensitive to the trials that someone could have potentially gone through (this I will mention in the catch 22). Despite my stance on that, I can see why the system is set up the way it is. It is for the same reason as the dating situation just instead of impressing the mate, you're impressing someone that you are capable of doing [insert here]. To put this in more primal terms, you're trying to convince the pack leader that you are strong enough to join the hunt and not cause the rest of your pack to starve because you couldn't stab the woolly mammoth. In my situation I'm telling veterinary schools that I am adequately prepared as well as possess the right characteristics for their hard as all hell program and that I won't drop out within the first few weeks of school. To others applying for a job, you're merely trying to say hey, I want to work here, and I'll work really hard so that you'll make lots of money. Its all so simple, and yet not...which leads me to the last topic...
The Catch 22
I called this section the catch 22 because through most of this post I've been stressing how confidence is really important in both love and work but while a healthy dose of confidence is generally positive, its something that few people have in abundance. Some can even have none at all which can have devastating effects in all aspects of person's life. Victims of emotional (or just about any other kind) abuse are a good example here. Say that someone was in an emotionally abusive relationship either with a spouse or a family member that completely shattered their confidence in themselves. Exactly how is that person ever supposed to let their talents shine if they can't even see their talents? Its like putting a blind person room of beautiful paintings, while the paintings are breathtaking, the blind person can't remark on them because they are unable to see them. After awhile the blind person might even forget that the paintings are there at all. There are so many, myself included, which have been that blind person in a room full of beautiful paintings. And what are we supposed to do? Make something up? Because the blind person can't see, if they were forced to remark on it then for all they know they could just be making something up, which if you bring that back to the real life situation, would equate to lying (making it then an ethical dilemma which makes it that much more complicated) It is hard enough to write truthfully and eloquently, let alone writing eloquently on something that you are unable to see/acknowledge. This is what has made writing applications for anything extraordinarily difficult and where I find myself at a disadvantage. So while confidence is important, sometimes you can't reasonably expect that from a person either because they don't have any or because they lost it. Thus, the catch 22.
Luckily many years of success and the love and respect of others (my friends and family) has allowed me to finally be able to see some of my beautiful paintings. I feel blessed in a way because it really couldn't have come at a more crucial time. I am applying for veterinary school and I'm required to say exactly how I would make the best applicant for veterinary school and if I didn't have the self confidence that I do now, my application would be exponentially weaker than what it is at this point.
This is all I can manage tonight since I really had to force myself to come up with something halfway articulate. So just fair warning, I am probably going to re-visit this topic at another time when I'm feeling more inspired. Till then...wish me luck on my essays!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Funny Quotes from my Professors
Vertebrate Biology - Dr. Mason
“they go drive and Thump, thump, hitting kangaroos right and left, they have their bars on the front of their vehicles so they don’t wreck their vehicles”
“but if you spent all day eating eucalyptus leaves all day you’d be grouchy too”
“POSSUMS! Go look in your trash cans tonight, there is probably a possum in there. That’s what their habitats are now those poor little buggers.”
“one persons poison is anothers chanel number 5”
“You remember with the salamanders slapping the females face? Its like the bad internet porn”
“Do birds have sweat glands? Do chickens have lips? I threw that one in just for the heck of it.”
“my daughter is as smart as a raccoon. They came up with all these wacky tests and they try to prove that young children are as smart as raccoons”
“when I run up to my office I get a cramp, yu guys have to run to Albany to get a cramp….excersize is bad for you”
“ you know its like one of our previous presidents said nuCLEAR, it is not nuCLEAR its nucleAR! And he’s the one with his finger on the big button!”
“you almost never hear of the gliders having accidents, not like those people who strap lawnmowers to the back of the gliders”
“I wish there was more males in the house besides me and the cat and maybe I would win some of these arguments….but guys we are degenerate, you’ll just have to live with that, of course women already knew that”
“I’m just kidding about the punching, girls like to pull hair”
“That takes 14 books of dinosaur biology and condenses it into less than 5 minutes”
“its good luck when a bird craps on you!....I’m going to use that with my kids”
“I can’t use a bar of ivory soap on my head because as you can see my hair is beautiful”
“I tell my wife why don’t you just use a bar of ivory soap and scrub your head, but she insists on getting these exotic shampoos”
“you can’t get it out of the shell so its like they have a glad bag attached to their butt…I would like to attach a glad bag to my daughter’s butt, then I would only have to change it every month”-on the allantois in amniotic eggs
“We still have lemon meringue pies?...I thought we were all down to twinkies and scooter pies…”
“I’m trying to make this a full service class…explaining the mysteries of life”
“no one likes to admit this but being biologists we can look into our pants and see there is a difference”
“I’m going to explain one of the mysteries of life….so the boys go to the doctor and he STICKS his fingers up your scrotum and says turn your head and cough and you are like *weak cough*”
“its not like those people on that Jersey show is it? God my wife made me watch that and it made me feel ill. It made me worried about how our civilization will turn out”
“oh but she likes that guy, he has good bubbles”
“if there were salamander Olympics, these guys would be playing tiddly-winks or something” –on plethodontid salamanders
“That would be a good final question, hint hint….has anyone taken English classes? Whats that word called….foreshadowing”
“ You know its like in those magazines at the store with those shrunken heads and Elvis living on the dark side of the moon…”
“which doctors do the females go to? The gynecologist, you know the doctors that understand the miles of pipes that no one understands”
Comparative Anatomy - Dr. Warrick
“think hard!!.....TAIL SWIPE” (on the stegosaur brain patterns)
“in Jurassic park, the last one, they basically had the velacoraptors doing differential equations”
“ I love this diagram, its absolutely useless”
"Feeling a bit like Moses, I'm leading you to Nash 204 for class tomorrow. That's west of Cordley; turn left at the Red Sea, which will be parted. There will be manna." (via email)
Invertebrate Biology - Dr. Weis
“can you really hunt something when you’re radially symmetrical? Apparently!”
“hey guys, we have no brains, but lets talk!”
“nothing is magical anymore, you can find everything on youtube”
“hey dude you’re in my same phylum, but different class”
“zooids mean animal thingy”
“if you come after me, I’ll kill you!”
“they are brainless wonders!”
“the whole avatar things is totally ripped off from my class”
Green Porno – Isabella Rosellini......watch it and you'll understand why I put this here
“they had just molted and were very vulnerable to predation… and being thrown into batter and deep fried”
I love being a science major....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A peaceful walk
Its funny how random and often fleeting moments of absolute peace can be. For me, these moments occur every now and again but I can never tell when or how long it will be. Its one of those moments when you are in you're in your body and you're not at the same time. You feel somewhat disconnected and yet feel like part of the larger scheme of things. I guess you can say its like being on auto-pilot and thus being allowed to look out of the windows to the world below. I had one of these moments while I was walking to my car from a lively session of Cuban Salsa.
After dancing for the last few hours (on top of exercising before hand) my body was tired, although not tired enough to make me sleepy. It was just the right amount of fatigue that made me subdued and allowed me to assume the auto-pilot mode if you will. Despite it being dark outside, I was still warm enough walk out in my tank top and not freeze immediately. I also embraced my solitude which I normally don't when I'm walking alone in the dark. But everything seemed to fit together and I was able to feel everything and really enjoy the moment like I'm seldom able to do. All the evening sounds and my foot falls were muffled due to the tiny hairs in my ears being over worked by loud music, but instead of being uncomfortable it only made it more peaceful. Remember in my first post when I was talking about the peace of being underwater? This was walk in the evening was somewhat similar. So there I was, walking by myself in my tank top on my campus at 9 at night.
It was a wonderful feeling. My body felt light, the world around me was quiet in a relaxed way and I was able to feel the slight chill of night embrace me. Walking this way allowed many different thoughts to drift in and out of my mind without the normal intensity, but lightly, as if they were small down feathers dancing on a gentle breeze. One of these thoughts that played around my mind was thoughts of someone very dear to me whom had earlier unwittingly answered my feelings yet again. I don't want to say much more but thinking about this someone was like laying in a soft blanket on a rainy day. A warm cuddly feeling of knowing that you are safe from the rain outside. I miss this person, and to this person: Du weißt, wer du bist, It seems like I have a hard time letting go of you.
After dancing for the last few hours (on top of exercising before hand) my body was tired, although not tired enough to make me sleepy. It was just the right amount of fatigue that made me subdued and allowed me to assume the auto-pilot mode if you will. Despite it being dark outside, I was still warm enough walk out in my tank top and not freeze immediately. I also embraced my solitude which I normally don't when I'm walking alone in the dark. But everything seemed to fit together and I was able to feel everything and really enjoy the moment like I'm seldom able to do. All the evening sounds and my foot falls were muffled due to the tiny hairs in my ears being over worked by loud music, but instead of being uncomfortable it only made it more peaceful. Remember in my first post when I was talking about the peace of being underwater? This was walk in the evening was somewhat similar. So there I was, walking by myself in my tank top on my campus at 9 at night.
It was a wonderful feeling. My body felt light, the world around me was quiet in a relaxed way and I was able to feel the slight chill of night embrace me. Walking this way allowed many different thoughts to drift in and out of my mind without the normal intensity, but lightly, as if they were small down feathers dancing on a gentle breeze. One of these thoughts that played around my mind was thoughts of someone very dear to me whom had earlier unwittingly answered my feelings yet again. I don't want to say much more but thinking about this someone was like laying in a soft blanket on a rainy day. A warm cuddly feeling of knowing that you are safe from the rain outside. I miss this person, and to this person: Du weißt, wer du bist, It seems like I have a hard time letting go of you.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Kendo
Here I am after 10 years returning to the wonderful sport Kendo. For those of you who don't know, its a martial art that is based off of the sword play of the Samurai of Japan.
But before you get excited, kendo does not look like this and you will not see anything even remotely close to the Tom Cruise movie the last Samurai.
(*Small Rant* I'm so glad I had the dignity to put an actual picture of Samurai warriors up here instead of something from the last Samurai. Sorry Ken Watanabe, I think you are the coolest, but I can't get over the fact that Tom Cruise had to become a Samurai of all people and that this movie was in fact filmed in New Zealand and NOT Japan. This made that movie a lot less cool and therefore merits no pictures on this particular blog)
Instead, Kendo today looks like this:
So they may not use real katanas (the traditional Japanese sword) but come on, it looks cool doesn't it? I mean look at that bogu (armor)! They also wear these protective mask/helmets (men) that also makes them pretty intimidating. If that wasn't enough, it is required that they yell, no not say, yell exactly what it is they are going to hit. I have found that when guys ki-ai (yell) it makes them sound very angry, not to mention a little scary. As you can see, although kendo is not as, I guess romantic as its roots suggest, it still is an awesome sport. Gnarly on the arms, let me tell you!
Anyway, I mostly wanted to talk about the concept of the Ki-ai or the yell of kendo. Its not unique to kendo as it is also done in karate and I think in Aikido as well. I'm not entirely sure of the function in karate but I imagine it would be similar to the function in Kendo, that of controlling your breathing. On a more metaphoric note the ki-ai, as I was just told tonight, is also a representation of your spirit. When you are fighting you are supposed to demonstrate your skill of the sword, your discipline and your spirit. This is the reason I'm assuming that in the katas of kendo you will nearly always see yelling at the opponent.
Its funny because as simple as it is to yell I think its one of the most difficult parts of kendo that I have encountered thus far. When I first started at 10 years old I didn't get far enough to learn the proper ki-ais that the other members were doing and so now that I'm not at all used to the concept of the ki-ai. It shouldn't be so hard, all I have to do is open my mouth, reach deep inside myself and let out a fearsome roar. Unfortunately every time I have tried to do this I get tongue-tied. All the noise deep inside me that wants to show itself is being held back by a brick wall it seems. Its not like it is not there either, I know I have it but for some reason there is a mental block preventing me from making the belly roar ki-ai that would make even a black belt in kendo shudder.
Over the past couple of months I've been under a great deal of stress and that stress built up a lot of anger and frustration. Usually what I do to cope with this is to exercise a lot and listen to angry music. When I'm the most upset I listen to Linkin Park because for some reason their music just matches what I'm feeling completely. Their lyrics resonate with my anger and frustration and Chester Bennington (lead singer) has THE BEST scream ever. Its so good in my opinion that I wished that thats how I would sound when I yelled.
Letting Chester scream for me was a good way to vent my anger. I
When I've actually screamed myself I feel like I sound like this:
As you can imagine this is also why I've given a bit of resistance at Kendo practice towards doing the ki-ai with a technique. I realize its important and its a good skill to practice correct breathing. But if the Ki-ai is a representation of the spirit, then whatever my voice box is able to procure is not going to be adequate enough. I have a disproportionate amount of spirit to vocal capabilities I guess.
Hopefully with practice I may find it within myself to remove the mental block I have against roaring. I'm not sure how though since its not exactly socially acceptable, and I don't like drawing attention to myself. There is also the argument of intimidating your opponent, but to me, just giving them a murderous stare would be enough. I suppose this is all part of being a beginner at kendo, so hopefully I'll get better as time goes on.
(*Small Rant* I'm so glad I had the dignity to put an actual picture of Samurai warriors up here instead of something from the last Samurai. Sorry Ken Watanabe, I think you are the coolest, but I can't get over the fact that Tom Cruise had to become a Samurai of all people and that this movie was in fact filmed in New Zealand and NOT Japan. This made that movie a lot less cool and therefore merits no pictures on this particular blog)
Instead, Kendo today looks like this:
Anyway, I mostly wanted to talk about the concept of the Ki-ai or the yell of kendo. Its not unique to kendo as it is also done in karate and I think in Aikido as well. I'm not entirely sure of the function in karate but I imagine it would be similar to the function in Kendo, that of controlling your breathing. On a more metaphoric note the ki-ai, as I was just told tonight, is also a representation of your spirit. When you are fighting you are supposed to demonstrate your skill of the sword, your discipline and your spirit. This is the reason I'm assuming that in the katas of kendo you will nearly always see yelling at the opponent.
Its funny because as simple as it is to yell I think its one of the most difficult parts of kendo that I have encountered thus far. When I first started at 10 years old I didn't get far enough to learn the proper ki-ais that the other members were doing and so now that I'm not at all used to the concept of the ki-ai. It shouldn't be so hard, all I have to do is open my mouth, reach deep inside myself and let out a fearsome roar. Unfortunately every time I have tried to do this I get tongue-tied. All the noise deep inside me that wants to show itself is being held back by a brick wall it seems. Its not like it is not there either, I know I have it but for some reason there is a mental block preventing me from making the belly roar ki-ai that would make even a black belt in kendo shudder.
Over the past couple of months I've been under a great deal of stress and that stress built up a lot of anger and frustration. Usually what I do to cope with this is to exercise a lot and listen to angry music. When I'm the most upset I listen to Linkin Park because for some reason their music just matches what I'm feeling completely. Their lyrics resonate with my anger and frustration and Chester Bennington (lead singer) has THE BEST scream ever. Its so good in my opinion that I wished that thats how I would sound when I yelled.
When I've actually screamed myself I feel like I sound like this:
Hopefully with practice I may find it within myself to remove the mental block I have against roaring. I'm not sure how though since its not exactly socially acceptable, and I don't like drawing attention to myself. There is also the argument of intimidating your opponent, but to me, just giving them a murderous stare would be enough. I suppose this is all part of being a beginner at kendo, so hopefully I'll get better as time goes on.
Friday, May 13, 2011
My first post
I've never blogged before, so this is a little strange.
I guess I'll start with why I named my blog "bubbles from the deep".
It all started with the thought 'hey, I should start a blog' not so that anyone in particular could read it, just because. I thought that depending on the notice that my blog gets from people I know, I could use this as a diary of sorts, or just a place to spill my thoughts. I can't say I'd care about how reads this, I don't have much to hide anyway, and the things that I do hide...well if just random people were visiting this blog and read it, what would I care? They don't know me. But I digress...
So I love the water, everything from Spongebob to playing in the pool. One day I was swimming in the gym on campus and after I did my work out for an hour I decided to play in the deep pool which is usually frequented by aqua joggers and obnoxious frat boys who like to do somersaults off the diving board. I love to free dive and so all I did was down to the bottom and hang out there until I needed a breath. Its a wonderful feeling being suspended in the water, its so quiet and all you can hear is the gentle stir of the water moving in unison around you. It makes me feel like a super hero sometimes too because it allows me to move in ways I can't on land. I can test the limits of my flexibility by doing back flips, spins, somersaults, splits, handstands, anything. As I am swimming around, surely acquiring many odd looks from the other people sharing the pool, I start to notice the amount of bubbles that my frolicking caused. I swim to the bottom, exhaled slowly and gazed intently as they made their way up to the surface of the water. I began to see how the bubbles contorted and changed their shape as if the air itself was dancing its way to the surface. It looked like so much fun that I decided I wanted to play with them. I shot up to the surface grabbed a fresh breath and descended back to the bottom. After equalizing my ears I slowly exhaled a little bit of air and gave my bubbles a bit of a head start. As they floated to the surface I pushed myself from the bottom of the pool and started my own ascent. Before I passed them however I realized that I was indeed, under the bubbles and I wondered what it would feel like to touch a bubble underwater. One of the larger bubbles contorted itself into the shape of a jellyfish and I felt compelled to tickle its underside since it was clearly devoid of stinging tentacles. Just as I reached out and touched it the name for this blog came to me like a bolt of lightening! I would name this blog, the UPSIDE DOWN BUBBLE!
Now I'm sure this doesn't make any sense since this blog is clearly not named "the upside down bubble", but allow me to continue. After swimming that day I got a little excited because I thought I had come up with a brilliant name for my blog. But as it turns out, my great idea was shot down by my friend's reality check. As I was studying with my group of friends I became engaged in conversation with one of my girlfriends and blogging came up. She told me about her blog which has such a cute title: to live, to laugh, to love. It was so like her and I thought the name was so fitting. Being the silly one that I am I acted overtly excited when I told her I had recently come up with a brilliant name for a blog. When I enthusiastically exclaimed "THE UPSIDE DOWN BUBBLE" the look of engagement in the conversation melted into a look of pure confusion. She told me that the name didn't make sense and it occurred to me as she was explaining her disbelief that bubbles are traditionally spherical and therefore couldn't physically be upside down, or even right side up for that matter. I felt quite silly after that, it only occurred to me a few weeks later that I was referring to the bubbles that contorted their shapes when suspended in a fluid. Even then, when people think of bubbles they don't tend to think of the contorted bubbles but of the more spherical ones. So I sacked that idea.
For some reason though the idea of having bubbles in the title never left me. I felt that bubbles had to be incorporated somewhere because their aqueous nature was a subtle nod to my love of the water. Well back to square two, not square one because I at least had the bubbles as part of the title. This title did not come to me in a flashy blaze of clarity like the other one did but I thought it was an elegant way to capture the same sentiments I felt in the pool, sitting at the bottom and watching the bubbles float up. I was a little unsure about the title only because I felt that it might be misconstrued as being mellow dramatic when that was not really my intention. But I suppose I can't do much about that now, I chose the title and my readers will have to make their own judgements about it or me. At this point, I don't really care because I don't think anyone will read this for a while.
Thats the story and my first post on my blog. Hurray for firsts!
I guess I'll start with why I named my blog "bubbles from the deep".
It all started with the thought 'hey, I should start a blog' not so that anyone in particular could read it, just because. I thought that depending on the notice that my blog gets from people I know, I could use this as a diary of sorts, or just a place to spill my thoughts. I can't say I'd care about how reads this, I don't have much to hide anyway, and the things that I do hide...well if just random people were visiting this blog and read it, what would I care? They don't know me. But I digress...
So I love the water, everything from Spongebob to playing in the pool. One day I was swimming in the gym on campus and after I did my work out for an hour I decided to play in the deep pool which is usually frequented by aqua joggers and obnoxious frat boys who like to do somersaults off the diving board. I love to free dive and so all I did was down to the bottom and hang out there until I needed a breath. Its a wonderful feeling being suspended in the water, its so quiet and all you can hear is the gentle stir of the water moving in unison around you. It makes me feel like a super hero sometimes too because it allows me to move in ways I can't on land. I can test the limits of my flexibility by doing back flips, spins, somersaults, splits, handstands, anything. As I am swimming around, surely acquiring many odd looks from the other people sharing the pool, I start to notice the amount of bubbles that my frolicking caused. I swim to the bottom, exhaled slowly and gazed intently as they made their way up to the surface of the water. I began to see how the bubbles contorted and changed their shape as if the air itself was dancing its way to the surface. It looked like so much fun that I decided I wanted to play with them. I shot up to the surface grabbed a fresh breath and descended back to the bottom. After equalizing my ears I slowly exhaled a little bit of air and gave my bubbles a bit of a head start. As they floated to the surface I pushed myself from the bottom of the pool and started my own ascent. Before I passed them however I realized that I was indeed, under the bubbles and I wondered what it would feel like to touch a bubble underwater. One of the larger bubbles contorted itself into the shape of a jellyfish and I felt compelled to tickle its underside since it was clearly devoid of stinging tentacles. Just as I reached out and touched it the name for this blog came to me like a bolt of lightening! I would name this blog, the UPSIDE DOWN BUBBLE!
Now I'm sure this doesn't make any sense since this blog is clearly not named "the upside down bubble", but allow me to continue. After swimming that day I got a little excited because I thought I had come up with a brilliant name for my blog. But as it turns out, my great idea was shot down by my friend's reality check. As I was studying with my group of friends I became engaged in conversation with one of my girlfriends and blogging came up. She told me about her blog which has such a cute title: to live, to laugh, to love. It was so like her and I thought the name was so fitting. Being the silly one that I am I acted overtly excited when I told her I had recently come up with a brilliant name for a blog. When I enthusiastically exclaimed "THE UPSIDE DOWN BUBBLE" the look of engagement in the conversation melted into a look of pure confusion. She told me that the name didn't make sense and it occurred to me as she was explaining her disbelief that bubbles are traditionally spherical and therefore couldn't physically be upside down, or even right side up for that matter. I felt quite silly after that, it only occurred to me a few weeks later that I was referring to the bubbles that contorted their shapes when suspended in a fluid. Even then, when people think of bubbles they don't tend to think of the contorted bubbles but of the more spherical ones. So I sacked that idea.
For some reason though the idea of having bubbles in the title never left me. I felt that bubbles had to be incorporated somewhere because their aqueous nature was a subtle nod to my love of the water. Well back to square two, not square one because I at least had the bubbles as part of the title. This title did not come to me in a flashy blaze of clarity like the other one did but I thought it was an elegant way to capture the same sentiments I felt in the pool, sitting at the bottom and watching the bubbles float up. I was a little unsure about the title only because I felt that it might be misconstrued as being mellow dramatic when that was not really my intention. But I suppose I can't do much about that now, I chose the title and my readers will have to make their own judgements about it or me. At this point, I don't really care because I don't think anyone will read this for a while.
Thats the story and my first post on my blog. Hurray for firsts!
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