A story start....because I didn't feel like studying for a midterm

Can you make miracles happen?

A glistening bead of sweat meandered its way down the face of the young apprentice staring intently at a pot of soil.  Crinkles of frustration and concentration appeared on her face as she raised her hands delicately gesturing gently at the still barren plot of dirt.  Tenderly, a little plant pushes its way through the dirt and coyly emerges out of the encased ground.  A cautious smile gradually appears on the apprentice’s face as the sprout grows gradually developing branches and leaves.   Gesticulating in a highly coordinated fashion, the apprentice persuades the plant to grow in specific ways that are beginning to look reminiscent of a shape.  Soon the plant takes the shape of what could be construed as a dragon, albiet a dragon who might have snacked on one too many knights.  Horror strikes her face as small black berries begin to sprout from the branches and she throws her hands up in frustration. “Damn it!” She exclaims.

She hears a small chuckle behind her in the doorway.  She jolts around and sees Vagari standing in the doorway giving her a mocking applause, smiling playfully at her.

 “Well done” He says.  “Were you trying to create food for pigs?”

 The apprentice looked at him in indignantly and turns and yanks a berry off the branch of her failed plant and throws it him.  He stood still following the trajectory of the berry with his eyes as the berry goes sailing past him. 

“I hope your spells aren’t as bad as your aim.” He says jokingly.   She glares at him and turns back to her plant. 

“Don’t you have some rabbits to catch, forest boy?” She says brusquely.

 “Not at the moment no” he says still smiling at her.

She turns back to him still in her chair.

 “you mean to tell me, you have nothing better to do than stand there and watch me practice my art?”   “I’d hardly call what you were doing art…” he says. 

She gasps indignantly and grabs another berry and throws it at him.  This time he shields his face as the berry hits his hands softly.

  “I’m just kidding”  He says laughing.  “What where you trying to make anyway?”.

The apprentice looks down at the floor.  “I was trying to make a dragon tree”.

 Vagari laughs out loud.  “Why did you want to do that?  It serves no purpose! We don’t keep dragons so why would you want to create a bush to feed them?”. 

She sneers.  “See what you know!  I wasn’t tried to fix the food crisis for dragons, I was practicing some difficult magic techniques.  My master wanted me to create something in which all the elements were used.  A dragon tree fits the bill as you might imagine”.

 Vagari raises his eyebrows.  “Hm, impressive, that is very creative”.  She rolls her eyes.  “I mean it” Vagari claims.

 “But as you can see…” she explains “I am still in need of practice.  Clearly I haven’t grasped the concepts of manipulating the living elements of earth.”  She brushes at the air with her hand at the plant and the little bush freezes solid.

 As she breaks the pieces of plants and throws them into a jar she notices Vagari staring in amazement.  “What?” She asks. 

“I see you clearly have grasped how to manipulate water”.he says.

 “Heh, that’s easy, I’ve been playing with water since I was a young girl.  Besides, you think that is impressive?  Check this out.”

She stares at his hands intently and makes makes a line through the air with her hand flat.  Vagari’s hands glow red for a moment and then he all of a sudden yelps out in pain. 

“OW!”  He exclaims “How did you do that?”. 

This time the apprentice smiled and giggled.

 “My master says I have a talent for the fire arts.  Maybe so since I find it so easy to do.  Just don’t tell anyone about that, I’m not supposed to use magic to hurt people”.

 Vagari smiled, obviously impressed.  “It’ll be our little secret” he said. 

She turned to clean up the rest of her failed plant and Vagari’s gazed lingered a little longer at her long golden brown hair and how it fell like a waterfall from her head.  He snapped himself back to composure and decided that he should probably get back to his duties teaching new soldiers how to survive in the woods. 

“Well, I shall take my leave and allow you to get back to practicing.” He said to her back.  She stopped and looked back at him with a sassy glint in her eye. 

“Great, now that I have your permission!” she said playfully.  She chuckled and turned back to her table and reached over to grab another pot from her shelf.

 As Vagari turned to leave he shouted back “always a pleasure to get to know some of the castles sorcerers!  I’ll visit you again sometime Eclissi.” 

She spun around wide eyed after him.

 “How did he know my name?” she wondered to herself. 

She’d been watching him for weeks. It just so happened that Eclissi was assigned the tower that overlooked the forest next to the castle.  This was Vagari’s favorite place to escape from the world, where he felt free to try new ideas and to feel more at home.  Eclissi, From the first time she layed eyes on him from the tower window, she’d watch him hiding in the trees, making strange contraptions he used as ingenious survival tools.  She found his mastery of moving through the woods, sometimes disappearing in the bush fascinating.  It was as if he was raised by trees and taught to speak by the wild animals in the forest.  In her times watching him from her window she learned his name by hearing soldiers call out for him and commanders of the forest guard bark out orders to him.

 “VAGARI!” They would shout.  “Its time for forest training!”.

 “Vagari…” she wondered.  “I wonder what that means.”

A sorceror, that is what Eclissi was born to be.  Not many in the realm are blessed with the natural powers of magic, but Eclissi was one of the few born with abilities that few have and are unattainable by most.  She grew up in a village that was fairly close to the palace and as such she never quite wanted for anything and grew up largely as a normal girl, albeit a little strange.  Having only her parents and her brother as reference Eclissi believed that she was just like them and always kept her differences to herself.  She never wanted to risk her parents finding out that she was actually remarkably different than they were.  Thus,  her parents never quite saw the development of her powers of sorcery.  Not many did in fact. She never practiced her magic at all save for her own personal amusement.

When she found herself alone, she would walk down to the streams and play with the water.  She’d delight herself by shaping bubbles of solid water, occaisionally trapping a fish in it and watching it swim, trapped in its new spherical world.  During the evenings when she wanted to escape from the dramatic antics of her family she would lock herself in her room and turn all the lights out.  Snapping her fingers she would create a small little burst of flame that would light up her face.  She would play with that little flame as if it were a coin that one would turn out their fingers.  Concentrating for a second would make the flames change color.  Then over the din of noise coming from the other rooms in the house, she learned to make miniature fireworks displays in her room.

Sometimes when you lose, you win.

Its amazing to me how life can surprise you, and all you needed to do was just take a hard look at it.  The last year hasn't been the easiest for me.  I slogged through my first year of veterinary school, trying to ignore the ache of a broken heart.  But somewhere through all of that hardship, my life all of a sudden became exponentially better, and the funny thing is, I didn't even realize it until I look up from reading a pathology book and see an adorable doe-eyed greyhound at the end of my bed and a gorgeous man with a beautiful spirit napping next to me.

It dawned on me that even when life appears to just...well, suck.   It really doesn't.  I went to the Caribbean and took a course on marine animal medicine, I've done solid research on a topic of interest to me, I have a boyfriend who I'm honored to be with (and who loves the "snot" out of me), and I'm at a house with a woman I deeply admire and her affectionate dogs.

I'm really not sure life could be any better for me at this point.

Some people can be so articulate

One of the things I was talented at when I was a kid was picking out cards for people.  Give me a person I knew moderately well, give me an occasion, I could find a card deep within the bowels of any grocery store.

Its funny because, I was never creative enough or clever enough to come up with the witticisms on the cards myself, but I'll tell you, I was great at picking out cards that matched the situation and the person.  The thing is, I always thought that those people creating those cards were so clever and so articulate.  Its not just cards that I can appreciate though, now in my internet adventures I often come across particularly poignant pieces of writing (be it quotes, paragraphs, song lyrics, what have you).

Tonight I found a particularly good one.  It came from goodreads.com where they had a list of quotes from novels that were on the subject of being scared.  I was originally on there because I was worried about an exam I have to take tomorrow and I needed some inspiration for overcoming my fear, but I found this piece which near perfectly describes how I felt about my most recent relationship with someone I truly cared for.

"The hard part is that I lost myself. In the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay, I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to love myself, and when that happens, you lose everything. And when the one person in the entire world who loves you unconditionally is gone, then you start wondering who will love you? And then when you start wondering, you get scared that you have to even ask that question. But since you have already asked yourself that, you can’t ignore it. Who will love you now? Who could possibly love everything about you, now that the only person in the world who could, is gone? Hell, you don’t even love yourself. Why would someone else? And then when you realize that, the relationship you’re in seems pointless. Because you start believing that they won’t ever be able to withstand your problems and craziness. And then that snowballs to even more insecurities and fear, and you feel trapped in this broken body that can’t ever be healed. And then you feel lost, torn, broken, unfixable, damaged, and like nothing in the entire world could ever possibly be okay again. Because you know from the past, that even when everything seems okay, another devastating blow comes around again and knocks you back down. So you feel even smaller, even weaker. By that point you’re at the bottom, you’re looking up in tears, ready to scream for help. But you’re not sure who’s going to be there, and if the person who does show up, is going to be the person you need, the person who’s going to pick you up, and help you heal. And then you realize again, that you lost yourself. That in the midst of life happening all around you, you lost ability to be okay."

-Sabrina K

For the longest time, I could never really put into words why this particular failed relationship was so devastating to me.  Why, even though I've had a number of painful, failed relationships, why this one seemed different.  Different enough to make me want to walk away from the prospect of ever opening up to anyone ever again.

Thank you Sabrina, whoever you are, for articulating what I couldn't

The Prince and the Healer

Once upon a time there was a prince.  He was a good prince and his family and his kingdom loved him very much.  One day, as he was travelling around his kingdom he met this beautiful princess who said she was visiting his kingdom.  She was so beautiful and intelligent that he fell in love with her almost immediately.  Unfortunately for the Prince, she was not really a princess, she was actually a witch who disguised herself  as a foreign princess.  Since the prince was so madly in love with her, it was easy to her to enchant him and whisk him to her castle where she kept him as a willing captive.

After a while, the magic waned and the prince started seeing the witch for who she really was.  At first, he didn't believe it because he was still so enamored, and so he hid any signs of his gradual awakening from the witch.  She, believing her magic was still strong did not worry and continued on without a care.  But one day, the spell finally broke completely, and the prince was able to see the witch for who she truly was and he was horrified that he had been so in love with a person who was so evil.  After his revelation he decided he needed to escape from the witch's clutches and so he devised a plan that he would escape in the dead of night, when the witch was out doing her evil deeds.  When the night came, he grabbed his cloak and he stole out of her castle, fighting some of her minions along the way.  When the witch came back to the castle she was furious about the prince's escape and screamed a curse out into the air.  While the prince was running away from the castle, thunder shook and he heard her voice in the air...she hissed "You will never be able to receive help without hurting another person, if anyone tries to heal you, they will take your wounds onto their body, as you heal, they will suffer".  The prince's stomach dropped as he looked at his wounds already attained from the witch's guards.  But he resolved that he needed to escape and pressed on.

The witch's realm lay in the middle of an ancient and angry forest, full of creatures filled with malice, ready to ravage anything in their path.  The wounded prince struggled to through the forest, fought many vile creatures and finally reached the ends of the forest of evil.  As he emerged, he was barely conscious due to his injuries from fighting the many creatures he came across and from half starving from his long journey.  As his vision blurred he saw a village in the distance and limped towards it.  Just outside a village there was a little house on the outskirts and it was near this house that the prince collapsed and lost consciousness.

Working out in the field with her animals, the villager who lived in that small house caught the faintest glimpse of the prince right before he collapsed.  She immediately ran over to him to see what was the matter and who he was.  When she got to him, his face was so covered in blood and swelling that she couldn't tell who he was.  Even if she did, the prince was gone for a long time and the kingdom became worried about their prince and where he had gone.  Eventually people began to loose hope and the prince was assumed to be dead.  Because of this, the villager woman thought him to be a traveler that accidentally ventured into the woods.  In her compassion she resolved to save the traveler and tried to get him to her house.  As she was trying to move him, she felt a strange chill on the air and thought that she heard some evil whispers.  She was nervous, but she couldn't let this poor soul out here to die, so she ignored the chill and eventually got him inside.

Luckily for the prince, this village woman was known for her gentle care and healing prowess. She was often called upon to find medicinal roots, and care for the sick in her village.  After she got him settled in her bed, she began to clean his wounds out.  As she was cleaning, she felt a strange burning sensation in her face and arms, as if someone was grazing her with a very hot knife.  She was a little frightened but she continued. After a while, she had done all she could for the prince for now and she left him to sleep.  That strange feeling she experienced eventually went away and she attributed it to possibly grazing a poisonous plant earlier in the day and thought nothing of it.

Despite the efforts of this village healer, the prince had been poisoned in his struggle in the forest and slipped into a feverish coma.  The village woman knew that his situation was dire but that all she could do was make him comfortable while his body fought the poison.  Every night she sat at his bed side with a moist towel to wipe his brow, warm broth to feed him and extra bandages to dress his wounds.
After a while, the prince's face healed enough to reveal his handsome features and the village healer, little by little became fond of him.  As she took care of him, she would read to him, tell him about her day and even tell jokes to him.  Soon, despite the prince still locked in a battle against the sickness in his veins, the healer began to love him and told him everything about her.  This love that she had for him was possibly what blinded her to the strange coincidences that kept happening to her.  She never noticed that after she had nursed the prince that she would gain injuries.  Whether she caught her back on a nail or a rope burned her or she accidentally cut herself with a knife, she began to accumulate more and more injuries.  Each time, she thought it was an unfortunate event and just shrugged it off.  After a while though, the healer began to feel ill herself.  Attributing it to a seasonal sickness she kept on doing her duties to her village and diligently attending the prince.

She did notice with much joy that he seemed to be getting better with each passing day.  She was so happy that he was getting over his sickness and that he'll wake up soon and finally meet her, that she didn't notice that she wasn't getting better.  Getting up in the mornings became harder, she started being unable to attend to the villages and would turn people away claiming she was too ill to be of service.  Despite that she would never fail to attend the prince, her lost traveler.  Soon she got so ill that she collapsed right as she was taking the last bandage off of the final wound of the prince's arm.

When she fell to the floor unconscious and near death, the prince finally woke up.  His body felt wonderful and while he was still a little weak, he managed to sit up and swing his feet over the side of the bed.  When he looked down, he saw the healer lying on the floor.  She looked so ill by this time she was hardly recognizable.  The prince not knowing who she was but knowing that she needed help summoned the strength to pick her up and take her into the village.  He called out in the middle of the village for help and announced that he was the lost prince and needed to return to his family and his kingdom but that this women needed assistance because she looked very ill.  One of the village elders took her into her home, she knew about the healer's deeds and began to try and nurse her.  But very soon after the prince left the little village, the healer died.  As the prince was on his way back to his kingdom, he thought about who that healer was and how he woke up there.  But those thoughts quickly faded as he hurried home awaiting to see his royal family and all of his friends again.

 ~The End~

En garde!

I feel like that has kind of been the story of my personal life in the last couple of months.  I don't trust anybody and consequently I really just can't relax and enjoy another person's company.  Well, in my opinion, this kind of sucks.  Superficially I have no drama, beneath the surface I feel like I'm stuck in a current that I can't swim out of.

The reasons for this are pretty obvious to me.  Remember that one who I wrote all those rosey little blog posts about?  Well our time together came and went, almost like a dream where one immediately wakes up in the middle.  There were many good and bad things about this relationship, but I like to see it as a net positive experience for me.  It taught me a lot about who I am and what I like in other people, but the most important thing it taught me was the importance of security.  It never occurred to me how this one facet of a relationship can just make things click into place and quickly make even imperfect situations appear perfect and meant to be.

You never know what you've got till its gone.  To some extent I think its true, but I think I knew what I had when I had it.  Which makes me feel all the more hollow in places I haven't felt empty in a very long time.  I'm trying to move on.  I really am.  I just haven't run into anyone else that I can truly let my guard down in front of.  So for now, I'm going to be a fencer in a perpetual duel.

Long time no post!

Hi everyone!

Its currently 2013 and my god, a lot has happened since I've last written a post!  Lets see, to distill it down to a sentence....I ended up having to remediate my first year of vet school due to anxiety I was later diagnosed with, I loved and lost, I still don't have a dog, and I got fish.

I'd put in more details, but I unfortunately don't have time right now.  Gross Anatomy beckons.

Oh yeah, I have a blog...

Its been a while and since I am bored with packing my stuff I thought I'd might as well blog a bit.  A lot has happened since I last blogged.  The last post was something that only a particular audience would immediately get and I might as well admit (for posterity's sake) that it was when the guy that I liked finally admitted to dating me.  As of now we are in a relationship and its been such a relief for me, there is a lot to that that I would like to vent about eventually but I'll hold off on it until I get through the rest of the catching up summary.

Other than boy stuff going somewhere, I got my research poster done and presented at a research for under grads fair.  I was panicking about it for weeks, but I was finally able to present some of my research on marine mammal strandings and put it in poster form. I didn't win any awards, but it was exciting to be there and present my work.  It was an ego boost when a girl next to mine complemented me on my work.  It felt so good to have someone think that my work was 'cool' and worthwhile.  For that whole experience (plus a 2 page summary of my project) I got to get a blue chord to wear at my graduation.  That blue chord took so much work, but I'm glad I did it.  I really wanted to wear an honor chord for getting a gpa, but it just wasn't high enough (I hope I can give confidence to all the people aspiring veterinary school that it is still possible to get in, even if your grades are not as high as you'd like).  I didn't feel too bad about it though, after all, I did get into veterinary school, and I had another cool chord to wear instead.

As you can guess from the date of this post, I have in fact graduated and now hold a bachelors of science in Zoology.  I'm not sure the gravity of this has completely hit me yet, but I'm still excited about it.  Now I hold the same level of degree as both of my parents (which I have to admit is a weird feeling).  Watch out grandpa, I'm going to get your degree next (well, same degree for animal medicine, heheh).

My family is currently visiting me right now, and as much as I love them, I'm glad they are doing their own thing right now.  Its been giving me some time to myself, and I have to admit I'm enjoying the quiet of my apartment.  So far I've been able to watch two anime films I've been wanting to watch and get some more packing done without the cacophony of noise that my family brings.  Hopefully I'll be able to get a lot done before I have to leave with them to go home.  I've decided to spend the summer with my family and hopefully relax a bit before the long haul of veterinary school.

Ah, veterinary school, I'm so nervous about starting in the fall.....

Patience

And thats the truth of it.  If you want something badly, never give up, keep on trying, and someday you just might get what you were waiting for.

Powers of 10

I've always wanted to get better at drawing and so this term I decided to take a drawing class this term.  Its been kind of tedious but I did enjoy our final project.  The only directions we were given for this project was that it had to be at least 6 drawings of whatever you want, they just have to be tied together in some way.  I thought about this for a long time and decided to do powers of 10 based off of the 1977 video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fKBhvDjuy0

Here are my pictures from small to large:

(10^-13 ish)This was originally supposed to be a carbon atom, but I'm not sure if I got the number of protons and neutrons right....oh well

(10^-7) DNA wrapped around some histones, this is my attempt at being inside the nucleolus with all the genetic material floating around and the nuclear pores out in the distance.

(10^-4.5) the animal cell, this used to be one of my favorite geeky science things to draw.  I could name all the organelles I put in there but that would probably be a big digression....moving on

(10^0) this took me forever to do, especially his face.  Its almost tragic that I erased the part I worked the hardest on for privacy's sake, but that is the internet for you.

(10^5) All I can say is: thank you google earth =)

(10^7) Earth, it didn't turn out too badly

(10^13) I'm not sure I buy that this is 10^13, I think I misunderstood the video, but I dunno, it still works.

For the written component of this project I included the meaning of the works as a whole because I thought it added to it.  So here it is for your viewing pleasure.

The meaning of the work:

The ultimate meaning of my final project is the importance of perspective.  Once upon a time ago, after an event with held emotional weight for me, a friend told me…In the grand scheme of things, what does it really matter anyway?  This was an attempt to assuage my feelings using something that I value above many things, scientific fact and logic.  He is right in a way, if you take a difficult or painful situation and put it in perspective of the universe, it doesn’t really matter.  All we are, all the decisions we make, are just the result of billions upon trillions of atoms interacting with other atoms that over the unforgiving tread of time might well end up somewhere else in the universe.  This is all true, scientific fact, as elucidated by Isaac Newton in his law about the conservation of matter.  But, despite it being true, it is not the only true perspective.  If the only perspective considered is one of general scientific fact it can shield the ugly and evil while de-valuing all that is beautiful and good about the human condition.  It is why it is absolutely vital that in life, perspective of the present is considered.  Proper perspective of particular situation will stir the compassion and empathy that would otherwise be lost in the lens of science.  It is compassion and empathy that makes us unique as a species on this earth and is something that should be preserved. 

In the drawing of the people in regular scale, I used myself and a dear friend of mine.  Our situation is complex, to say the least.  There has been tension as well as affection and it has been very difficult to toe the line.  I drew us this way partially as expression of my feelings, but also as an expression of the central point of this work.  In the end, none of what we do with each other matters, but that doesn’t mean we should forget the present, and what it means to us.

Bucketlist and some

So I don't have a huge long list of things I want to do for you right now because I haven't seen the paper where I wrote that stuff down, BUT, I do have one that I really want to add.

Addition 1 to Bucketlist: Dance Cuban Salsa, Cuban style.

Cuban Style as I was informed is when you dance Cuban salsa, in a bikini, on a beach.  Frankly what I'm envisioning here is a beach on Hawaii, Carribean, or Mexico (not the sketch parts) where its warm, its surrounded by tropical flora, and there is probably going to be a party worth a dos equis commercial as soon as the sun goes down.

All I need to do is get people to come with me who know how to dance that dance.  It shouldn't be too hard, I mean, who doesn't want to go dancing on a tropical beach? A crazy person, obviously.



More bucketlist additions!
-See the aurora borealis
-Find an intact sand dollar by myself
-dance/frolic in a field of fireflies on a summer's evening

Favorite Memories

Now just musing to myself one day, I started to think about what my favorite memories were and who was there with me when they happened.  These are the memories that relax me, make me feel warm inside, or the places I go back to or build upon in dreams.  Now I have a lot of really positive memories, but here are some of my personal favorite highlights (starting with the most recent)

• Running down a beach in La Jolla with my best friend.

This was one of those instances where the day was perfect, there were no pressing urgencies polluting the day, and I was with a person I truly care about.  It was kind of like it was straight out of a novel how beautiful  the situation was.  As I ran along the beach, I felt everything: the soft sand beneath my feet, the ocean air breezing across my chest, the chill of the water as I splashed around the tides.  I got to play with my friend (trying in vain to splash him), and learn more about him as we ran along the beach where he used to live.  This memory is one of the purest and best that I have and I will always go back to it when I'm not feeling well.

• Riding my motorcycle down the highway for the first time

Like I said in a previous post, there is NOTHING like riding a motorcycle.  And my first time really riding down a highway was exhilarating.  It was loud, I was scared, but I loved every second of knowing that I was in charge.

• Camping in my car in the pouring rain

Although this memory is somewhat tainted by who it was shared with, it was still an interesting and unique experience that I will never forget.  We were on a coastal trip and I was persuaded to camp in my car at some forgotten trail head up in the mountains.  It poured rain the WHOLE night and since I was worried about the battery of my car, we used a small flashlight as our only source of light.  At first I was nervous about this, but after eating and then making a bed out of the copious amounts of pillows and blankets I started feeling a little better.  What really made this experience was when my (ex) boyfriend and I took turns reading out of my favorite book of fairy tales.  Listening to his voice reading while curled up nice and warm in my blankets with the rain beating down outside was...special.  I felt safe, looking at him as he read to me by the faint light of the flashlight.  Its a shame because the relationship did not last too long after this trip, but no matter how negative I feel about him, this will always be a special memory for me.

• A near perfect day at the beach 

This beach looks gorgeous doesn't it?  Well it is, but unfortunately its not for 3/4s of the year.  I went out with my ex- boyfriend (different one- yes I've had a few relationships) during the early summer and caught this beach on a warm but windy day.  So not entirely perfect, but damn close.  We were walking down the beach for a while and when we got a little chilled from the wind we found this little place which protected us from the strong gusts of the wind.  Here is where I started to appreciate the beauty of the situation.  As I sat down, I felt the warmth of the sand heating me up, the gust of the wind assuaged to a breeze, the grasses bending with each blow and the beautiful scene of the ocean turning into sky.  This got me contemplative and I thought about how fleeting such wonderful moments like these are.  I thought to myself...Things are not always going to be like this are they? A quote which I adapted from the Counte of Monte Cristo.  Despite the melancholic knowledge of the fleeting nature of this moment, it still had wonderful feelings of freedom and warmth.

• Watching the sunset with someone special

If ever there was a time where I wished I kissed someone, it was most definitely here.  The details surrounding the situation are too messy to taint this blog post so I'm not going to focus on them.  But this was an instance where you are sharing a beautiful moment with a person you really care about.  This was one of my favorite spots to climb when I was kid and so I was enjoying playing on the rocks with this person and then the sunset happened and I found myself in a loving embrace.  The only way that moment could have gotten better was, as I've mentioned, a kiss.  But even without it, it still is up there in my favorite memories.

• Falling asleep in front of the botanical gardens

High school was stressful for everybody, and it most certainly was for me as well.  But there was a period where it got so bad that I asked my mom if we could leave somewhere and just take it easy.  We ended up going to this park in one of my favorite cities.  I don't remember a whole lot of what happened that day but I do remember getting tired during the day and so my mom and I just decided to take a nap on the lawn in front of these gardens.  Laying there on that lawn and basking in the warm sun was so relaxing and peaceful.  Smelling the flowers of the garden while being in enveloped in the warm sun while laying on soft grass was such a relief.  I felt like I had successfully escaped from my woes and also like I had found a new safe place to go back too whenever I felt overwhelmed.  Indeed this park is still one of my hiding places, although I don't get to go there as often as I would like anymore.

• Reading romance novels with my mom in a beautiful meadow

So this picture is special because there are two different memories that it stands for.  My family and I liked to go backpacking when I was in high school and this was one of our favorite places to go.  It is what I imagine heaven would be like, if there is such a place waiting for us.  Anyway, the first memory involves my mom, my brother and I laying out next to a small stream that my dad was fishing in, reading and enjoying life.  The sun was warm that day, the breeze was gentle and the sound of the brook and wind in the trees were all the sounds to be heard.  It was just too perfect.  I was relaxing with the most important people in the world to me, and everything was, well, perfect.  I really don't think that moment could have been any better.

The second memory attached to this photo is not actually at this location.  It was a couple miles down the trail at another meadow with a hot spring at its feet.  This was a unique memory that I treasure because it follows an uncomfortable situation.  A morning we were camped across from this particular meadow I was supposed to go on a hike with my dad.  I ended up not going because I felt so sick that I threw up that morning.  My mom was such an angel to me that morning, she made me some miso soup (which to this day helps me feel better) and told me that we could just relax in the meadow that day.  And that is exactly what we did.  We took a tent cover and relaxed in the tall grass of the meadow.  This was the instance were it was just her and I and she started reading her romance novel to me. I felt such a sense of relief and contentment that it just stuck in my memory.  

Those are my most treasured memories that I can think of.  I think that they are a bit of a reflection of who I am and what is important to me.

Note to Self

There is a serious lack of available literature on diseases of Orcinus orca.  Most of it is on Tursiops which is great because they make a great model species, but come on, lets get a little more specific.  

In the future, I want to do research on the diseases in wild Killer Whale populations, I think we might find some interesting trends (any information would be interesting at this point).  Also, I want to do research on husbandry methods and disease pathology of captive killer whales, because the last major study on that was done back in the 70s where whales were still being taken from the wild and acquired all sorts of ailments due to poor husbandry methods coupled with a severe lack of knowledge of the species (yay for more arguments regarding the ethics of acquiring knowledge at the expense of animal welfare...).  I want to see what has been happening now, to see if any improvements have been made in the management of these animals, or what diseases have emerged or disappeared....ANYTHING!!

I'm going to have a lot of work cut out for me....on the brightside, I'm going to have a lot of ideas for research papers if I do want to get board certified in zoological medicine. 

http://www.aczm.org/content.aspx?page_id=1&club_id=366916&item_id=2609

=)

Dear WDCS

I have a few complaints regarding "Captive Cetaceans: a handbook for Campaigners".

First of all, please update your material.  The most recent version is from 1998 which in my opinion is grossly out of date considering that the current year is 2012, and presumably statistics have changed and more research has been conducted and published.  This is important because if you actually expect people to use this, then at least arm them with correct, scientifically up to date information; especially since the pdf document is particularly popular with the google search engine.  The popularity makes the average person vulnerable to old information that would not hold any water against "the industry".

Second, please make sure the edit your manual thoroughly.  In my honest attempt at taking the manual seriously I came across basic spelling errors indicative of a lack of professionalism.  In scientific literature, an article is extensively proofread to avoid making the research look like a petty backyard operation.  So if you want this manual to look like more than just liberal animal rights activism and have more credibility, then please, please, proofread.

-a scientifically literate person, that wants to save the whales too

Small Rant

Dear World,

I may not the best person out there.  I'm not the prettiest, or the smartest, or anything-est, but I'm still a person just trying to live my life in the best way I can.  I may not scale mountains on the weekends or have people begging to date me or get the best grade point average, but I'm doing my absolute best.

I've been given a lot of privileges in this life and I continue to strive to deserve them.

I just got accepted into veterinary school, on top of that, they are giving me a $1000 grant for my first year there.  Did I have a 4.0 gpa? No. Did I have spectacular GRE scores? No. Did I, on paper, look like the best candidate? Probably not.

But I have remained faithful to the goal of becoming a veterinarian for most of my life, and I have done nothing but prepare for it since my senior year of high school.  I've never been the smartest, or have gotten the best grades, but I knew what I wanted and tried my absolute best to achieve it.

Now am I worth it?  I don't know, but now is my time to prove it so even though I feel like some people may look on me with disdain Why did SHE get an offer? or jealousy, How did she get in, I'm so much better than her! I'm going to do my best.  I personally like to think that I'm brave enough to continue despite the overwhelming amount of self doubt that I have about my abilities.  But I suppose I should have faith that the admissions committee was right about me, and that I deserve my spot in the class of 2016.

Veterinary School

Yep, I got in.  I really wanted to make sure I didn't forget to mark this momentous occasion with a blog post.  I don't have time to fully paint the picture of my udder happiness right now, but rest assured, I will soon.  It actually happened yesterday Friday the 13th.  My lucky day =)

New Years Resolutions!

Yep, here is another blogger blogging about her New Years Resolutions. I can feel my uniqueness just oozing out of my pores....anyway.

1. Show myself more self respect - the kind from the new movie Jane Eyre (LOVED IT). Despite wanting something deeply and badly but would have come at great cost to her sense of self, she abstained.  I want to respect myself like she respected herself.
2. Participate in a Triathlon - there is one locally, that I've been wanting to try for the last couple of years.  As soon as I get back to school I'm going to start training.  Its going to be epic, I promise.
3. Get more LIVE animal veterinary experience - Pathology has been the most training I've had in veterinary medicine.  Granted its been great and I've learned a lot, but I do really want to learn about live animals too.
4. Do an exciting Internship/volunteer opp./study experience - I would really love to do a marine mammal internship and so I'm hoping it would be something along those lines.
5. FINISH MY RESEARCH PROJECT - started last summer....sigh.  Still working on it.  Its a lot of data and a lot of medical terminology and interpretation for someone who is not a pathologist, but I'm doing my best.
6. Blog more - its therapeutic, enough said.

I can't think of anything else in particular for that.... but here is another list

Some fun things that I may or may not get too!

1. Finish the scarf I started to knit.  Thanks to my old roommate's prompting, I started knitting. Yup, knitting.
2. Do a trans-state motorcycle ride.  I'm hoping that when I graduate, I'll take my motorcycle and ride down the west coast.  It'll be a super long trip, but epic at the same time.
3. Join a cuban salsa dance team.  Yeah, would be FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Get a dog.  This would require a whole bunch of things to happen which makes it unlikely to happen this year, but who knows.

eh, thats all for now.  If I think of anything else, I'll just add on.

Big Pet Peeve

Now that I am finally finished with fall term I have a little more time to write something for this blog of mine.  I find it a little ironic that I say I have time and yet I'm writing this blog post at 12 in the morning.  Its because of my family, I love them to death, but they require a lot of time from me on vacation and I just can't really write in front of them.  But, as a friend of mine once said, that's neither here nor there.

Tonight I want to write about something that has been bothering me for a while, one of my biggest pet peeves: condescension.  Whats funny to me is that I can stand this kind of behavior from some kinds of people but not from others.  My tolerance for this kind of thing depends heavily on the context and situation.  For example, I can stand being treated like a child with my elders, but not with those I deem within my peer group.  But condescension in its many forms bothers me and most of the time I find it deeply insulting, whether it happens to me or someone else.

The form of condescension that really touches a nerve for me is the kind where one person talks down to another person because of their status in life; they are younger, older, they are a different sex, marital status, religion, race or education.  Tonight I'm going to focus on the age condescension because I feel that is the most relevant to me.

Because I have grown up both looking young and being one of the youngest in my family, there have been many instances where I have been treated differently because of my age and/or lack of maturity. (Note: I am going to use younger and lack of maturity interchangeably).  Most of the time this kind of treatment comes from my elders, which, as I have said before, is more or less tolerable.  I feel justified for being able to tolerate it from them because in this way I'm being respectful to my elders while at the same time acknowledging that they indeed have more experience than me.  But if I'm treated in that way by someone who is in my peer group, I feel extremely insulted and am more likely to lash out.

My reasoning for this sensitivity is because now, I am more and less, an adult, and I strongly feel that I should be treated with all the respect due to someone of my age and maturity.

Will continue tomorrow morning because I'm too tired to write anything more coherent tonight.

A short blog post

I really think I should blog more.  I like it as an outlet for the upsetting feelings I have on occasion, but its tragic because when I feel the most inspired, articulate, and the great desire for blogging I force myself not to because I have other obligations to attend to...namely my studies.  I turn towards my studies because blogging for me has proven itself to be a very time consuming activity and many times I really do not have the time it takes to construct something that closely captures how I feel.  

THUS I am writing a short blog post about writing a short blog post to prove to myself that I can indeed write something less than a Russian novel and still post it.  Call it, breaking through a mental barrier.

Hopefully this will help me to write more often because I won't be afraid of equating a short post to an arbitrary post.  I'll be able to ask questions, give short blurbs, and even some rants thrown in.  So hurrah!

Motorcycles and Boys

Wew! Its been a while since I last blogged.  Well here we go again, sit back relax and enjoy because I feel like this will be a long one considering the topics I chose.

As it is, school is right around the corner.  Starting on Monday as a matter of fact.  Right now everything is hectic  because I'm moving...again, I'm getting over a cold, my brother is here, veterinary school applications are due in the next week, I had to miss a fun backpacking trip with my best friends because of apartment issues, and I still have to finish my research project on marine mammal strandings.

The good news is that I am feeling increasingly more confident on my motorcycle and I'm feeling increasingly better about my relationships with two people in particular.

First things first though.  Motorcycles.  I'm surprised I didn't blog about this earlier but within one single summer I conquered my fear of motorcycles, got a motorcycle endorsement, bought a motorcycle, and have been driving sed motorcycle all over the place.  Its been pretty awesome and I feel so lucky that things happened the way they did, I absolutely LOVE my bike and all my gear.  I got a 2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r with special edition green, black and white fairings.

  I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel like quite a bad ass.   This is also my desktop background on my computer right now - which should tell you how much I like it (I don't think I've had a desk top that didn't have some sort of marine animal on it for a while now).

But anyway, this is really big for me.  It really is!  When I was child, I was so scared of riding that even when I rode on the back of my Dad's bike with him while he was driving I shut my eyes and held on as tight as I could.  The fear eased a bit with years past, but if you asked me even last year if I would ride a motorcycle I would have said no.  But here I am, a rider, and proud.  How did it happen?  Well a couple of reasons, the reason I emphasize to people, the reason that only other riders understand, and the emotional reason.

The reason I emphasize to everyone I talk to about riding is that I wanted to conquer my childhood fear of riding motorcycles.  I decided at the beginning of this year that I didn't want to be scared of so many things any more.  I wanted to look straight in the face of things that terrified me and spit at it.  Why?  I think its because I wanted to prove to myself that I had courage, when I felt like I was being cowardly.  (The idea of forcing myself to be courageous ties in with my third reason so I will go into that in a minute).  So motorcycling ended up being extremely empowering.  Because I was so nervous about riding, it was that much more of a relief when everything turned out fine and it was easier than I had anticipated.  I have had so many experiences where I have been correct in my assumptions that a certain situation was going to be bad (sometimes the situation would be even worse than I had anticipated) and because of this I've always had reservations in doing what is right or needed when I anticipate the situation being emotionally difficult.  Being on a motorcycle has helped me on this a lot.  I learned through my motorcycle safety course that it is NOT impossible to ride safely and to control the bike properly.  Eventually I even learned how ridiculously fun riding really is!  I guess it took a remedy of a big fear of mine to teach me that not everything will turn out as bad as I think.  I'm not going to say that I'm completely cured of my cowardice, but at least I've been taking large steps in the right direction.  I'm hoping that more riding will help me take more of those steps.

*On to reason number two: freedom, the joy of being alive, and escape.  I can't speak for all riders here, but I would imagine that those are very common themes among riders.  First of all, lets look at freedom.  What I learned from my dad who has been riding for 20+ years was that the slang term for people who drive cars are "Cage-ers".  I think this is totally fitting.  First for the physical reasons of being in a big metal cage driving down the road, but also for the mentality.  I think the car is a really good symbol for middle class society as we know it.  You grow up and get a car.  That car will take you to and from school/work, to your sister's wedding, to a congested freeway and to a bunch of other places that represent the normal hum-drum of life.  You become locked in what many of my friends fear: the cage of growing up and becoming responsible in the eyes of society.  To me this entails liking beer, a variety of stinky, moldy cheeses, being a stay at home mom, taking the kids to soccer practice, and then eventually waiting to die when my body starts refusing to function.  This is the cage.

Now add a motorcycle.  All of a sudden, its just you out there.  You now enter a battle of survival with other cars and obstacles TRYING to get you with only the occasional other motorcyclist waving at you and reminding you that you are not alone (I can't even tell you how much it means to me whenever I wave at someone and they wave back on a ride.  Its like a mutual acknowledgement of the danger inherent in the situation and a "don't worry buddy, you're not alone").  You are in charge now.  Not your boss, not your friends, not your parents, not your professors - you and you alone.  You get to decide if you want to go fast, you get to decide where you want to go and all you have in front of you is endless expanses of highway just begging to be ridden.  If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.

Being on the motorcycle reminds me that it is my life, and I'm in control when I need to be reminded of it the most.  Every biker knows that once they sit on that bike they are in danger and the stakes are high; I know it too.  But, despite the danger, after a long ride, when I get off my bike, I laugh, partially because of what a fun ride it was, but mostly of relief - that I'm alive! That I survived another day!  Thinking about it know reminds me of that quote: "live each day as if it were your last" or some variation of that theme.  Well, I can tell you from my personal experience on a motorcycle the wisdom of the masses was spot on.  If you are thankful for simply being alive, or for surviving, then you'll be happier than you'd ever expect.

The last part of this reason is escape.  Escape both from the place where I'm at, but also escape from the dark inner trappings of my thoughts.  It is said that you shouldn't drive your motorcycle when you are emotionally compromised because it will affect your driving, and to some extent I think this is true, but, if you can focus on driving (like I can), then you'll still drive safely.  To do this you must be able to shut out (temporarily) the emotional mess and just think about where you are going and how you are going to get there.  This is actually something I dreamed about earlier in the year when I was going through a rough emotional time.  I really wanted to leave my situation - to just get up and go, and to hopefully drive fast enough to leave my woes in the dust.  But I learned exactly what I just said above, you need to shut out the problems completely if you are going to be safe on your bike.  When I sit on my bike, my problems cease to be and all I focus on is driving and keeping myself safe.  I think its because I have my priorities straight; when I get on my bike I understand I am taking an enormous risk and so when I start riding I realize that my safety and well being comes before my negative feelings about a situation.

Don't get me wrong though, if I was truly emotionally compromised, I wouldn't drive at all.  For example, if I was upset enough to be crying, I would not ride my bike.  But if I was so stressed that I needed time to myself - yes I would ride and the ride would be my escape.  This somewhat contradicts what I said in my first reason because its sometimes deemed cowardly to run away from your problems, but on the other hand, everyone needs a moment and the motorcycle forces you to briefly focus on something else.  Thus it creates a perfect escape.

Now to the last reason, the emotional reason.  The emotional reason is because of a boy.  One of my ex-boyfriends.  He was the one responsible for the hard time I was going through from the beginning of the year to late summer.  This guy changed a lot about my personality and I believe a lot of it for the better (I wish it to be known, however, that despite coming out of this a better, more confident person, it still wasn't worth the pain, it really wasn't).  Some of the things that changed about me was my willingness to take risks and a decrease in fear towards stressful situations.  These were some of the things I really admired about him - he wasn't afraid of taking risks, and he was rarely scared of anything.  When he was scared about something, and it passed, he laughed about it - like it was nothing!  I admired those qualities so much that I tried to emulate them in myself, partially to better myself, but probably mostly to impress him.  One of the reasons I turned to motorcycles was to prove to both him and myself that I wasn't afraid and that I COULD do anything if I so wanted to.  So I chose something that I was extremely afraid of and I decided that I wasn't going to be scared of it anymore - that something was riding motorcycles.  The other reason I chose motorcycles over something else, for example getting a pilot's license and flying a plane, was because I wanted to be more like him while still retaining the little things that made me, me.  I have history with motorcycles, my dad rides, my brother got a motorcycle license and rode for a while - it was something that was part of me.  So I chose motorcycles.  The part that was copying him was that it was a motorized vehicle.  He loved cars, he knew exactly how they worked, could take them apart, he could make them perform better, but above all, he loved going fast.  I remember sitting in the passenger seat watching the enormous amount of pleasure he would get from pushing that pedal down and feeling the gravitational forces push him against his seat.  I wanted to show him that I could be like that, but with something else just as good; ergo motorcycles.  I guess it was just another part of my relationship campaign with him which was that 'we are different, but equal'.  What saddens me though, is that he didn't want different.  He wanted someone similar to him, so it should come as no surprise that the girl he started dating a month or so after breaking up with me was another student at his same level who came from the same home town as he did.

Well, it didn't work, but despite it all, I'm thankful that I learned how to ride.  Riding a motorcycle is one of the best things I've ever done. With that, I will end my discussion on motorcycles with a quote that I think sums up the rest of my sentiments towards the hobby:

"A motorcycle is a joy machine. It's a machine of wonders, a metal bird, a motorized prosthetic. It's light and dark and shiny and dirty and warm and cold lapping over each other; it's a conduit of grace. Cars lie to us and tell us we're safe, powerful, and in control. The air-conditioning fans murmur empty assurances and whisper, "Sleep, sleep." Motorcycles tell us a more useful truth: we are small and exposed, and probably moving too fast for our own good, but that's no reason not to enjoy every minute of the ride."


This quote also resonates with me because it discredits parts of that boy's personality that, I did somewhat admire, he took to too much of an extreme.  At the same time it validates what I know to be true.  He believed that he was near invincible and that he was larger than life (he also likes cars).  I don't think that is true, not for him and not for anyone.  So as the quote was goes, motorcycles taught me the truth.


So ends my discussion on motorcycles.  I hope it shows just how much I love my new hobby.


Next: BOYS!  My FAVORITE subject! Gag...Moving on.


A lot of what I had to say in regards to this was already mentioned in the motorcycle discussion, but I suppose I'll elaborate a little more.  The ex-boyfriend already mentioned has been causing relationship problems for me since February and its only now that I feel confident in saying that I'm getting over him.  Its such a relief for me because it really feels like a weight has been lifted.  I've discovered that I can have an awesome life and feel awesome about myself without him in my life.  Most importantly though, I've found that I can like someone romantically that is not him and actually like it better.  I'm sorry to say this but it did take a "re-bound" boyfriend to teach me this.  This re-bound taught me where I was in my path out of the madness I was in, as well as showed me exactly what I want in a partner.  Despite the good that came out of it for me, I made some serious mistakes that I deeply regret in that relationship (most of which I have kept to myself out of protection for the parties involved).**


Luckily, I think the worst is over.  I will admit that I do feel nervous about ever seeing this ex again because of a mucky history we have together, but I guess I'll deal with that when it comes.  When that time does come, I feel confident that I'll have it in myself to finally do the right thing despite an absurd amount of temptation.  I feel more confident about it because of one last boy I'll mention tonight.  He is the one I currently have feelings for, albeit at a distance.  He's also the one who inspired me to be stronger in the situation with my ex.  God help me if he ever reads what I'm going to say next.


He is a really interesting case.  When I first met him, we were just friends and my knowledge of him was extremely superficial.  After I started liking him romantically, however, I dug deeper and found a lot of things that were, quite frankly, frightening to me.  He, like me, suffered trauma, but a different kind of trauma, which made me terrified of getting close to him.  All I will say is that its because I've seen things from both sides of what he has suffered through.  I'm not ready to talk with him about this because I'm not entirely sure he'll understand and I'm very slow to trust others with this.  But I digress.  He is an interesting case because he reminds me of one of my exs, but he is different in ways that really matter to me.  In a word he's more real.  He has a lot of qualities that I admire (which I think is another big reason that I started to like him).  Qualities like determination, intelligence, tenacity, dedication, loyalty, integrity, tenderness, adventurousness, and being extremely attractive (by the way, if you are reading this, I hope you're blushing).  Another big reason is that I feel that we are what I wanted to be with my ex: "different but equal".  Meaning that some day both of us will be on par with one another professionally but in a different field.  Overall, he is someone that I respect and admire as a person and would be someone I would be proud to be with.


The reason why all of this is at a distance is a little complicated.  First of all, because I know what happened to him, I want to make sure I'm a person worthy enough for him romantically.  I still carry a lot of shame over what has happened in the past and I want to...as the saying goes "learn from my mistakes".  Another reason is that I want to be DAMN sure that I can do the right thing when I'm faced with sticky situations.  He deserves that much.  I want to beat my weaknesses both for him and for myself.  Another reason is that he doesn't feel like he is ready to be in a relationship.  His admission of that was really interesting for me because I've never encountered something like that in a guy before.  Most guys I've met just want to go into a relationship as soon as they are attracted to someone.  But not him, he cares so much about his future girlfriend that he wants to make sure that he is emotionally whole for her.  Regardless of whether this girl ever becomes me or someone else, that sentiment touches me deeply.  The last reason is for reasons of practicality.  I'm in the process of going to veterinary school and that means I don't know where I will be come next fall.  He is in the middle of a graduate degree and can't leave.  Thus problems arise.  Logically, the likelihood of us dating is slim, but despite what my logical mind thinks, I'm hoping for the best (and it makes me hope I get accepted to the school I'm at).


Well I was planning on talking about the end of summer but its getting really late and I'm getting tired of writing.  No worries my dear reader, I'll blog about it later.  Till next time!




*I wish it to be known that I'm not trying to insult anyone who chooses to live such life styles or anyone who drives a car.  This is merely my opinion and perspectives.


**A discussion about the ethics of this will be discussed in a later blog post.

Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith: Foreword

Foreword:

Since late middle school and early high school I have been creating stories in my head regarding two characters: Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith.  Their adventures have always remained safely in the confines of my thoughts (especially before bedtime because concocting adventures put me to sleep) except for a few times now and again when I would tell bits and pieces of it to other people.  But recently I decided that since I have a blog now, why not share the story?

Jyne Sol and Sirus Wraith are characters that I made that represented different parts of my personality.  I created these characters and their adventures because, at that time in my life, I (a) found Taoism (b) had a lot of personal drama going on and (c) really really liked fantasy (looking back retrospectively I think it was because I didn't like my own reality, so I made up my own).  It was a way of, in a sense, coping with my cold hard reality at the time.

Looking at the characters I made, I was extremely influenced by Taoism.  Jyne Sol is a character who represents the yang characteristics: Bright, active, headstrong, loud, fiery, and wears a lot of symbols relating to the sun.  Sirus Wraith, on the other hand, is the opposite and represents the more yin characteristics: Dark, quiet, cold, passive, and wears clothing reflecting the night.  Originally, it started with the creation of Jyne Sol; she was the person I envisioned myself to be.  But because of a great deal of personal drama in my life, Sirus Wraith was created.  I needed another 'alter ego' to replace Jyne because some where along the way I had lost what made me identify with Jyne Sol.  Looking back on it now, I guess it was a good that I had both characters; it made me whole in a way.  I believe that part of being human is acknowledging all parts of yourself not just the warm and fuzzy bits.  And so, even though I didn't know it at the time, I was striding towards becoming more well rounded and well.....real.

What makes these characters firmly entrenched in the genre of fantasy is the background of their existence.  Jyne Sol is the guardian and leader of the realm of Wisen, a continent where only the winged are allowed to inhabit.  The other continents in this world are Mortalia, the human realm, and Shadieve, the realm of the shadows.  There are several races in this world: the winged (of which there are 3 types), the humans, the shadows (more than one type), the gods, and the elders.  All aspects of my fantasy are inspired by my experiences as well as represent different parts of my life (whether it be places I'd like to go, animals I love, people I've met...etc).

I have decided to starting creating the story, and I will write the different parts on this blog as chapters of the story.  I apologize ahead of time if the chapters are a bit disjoint, but again, writer's privilege - YES!